Day Sixty Nine

So much has been happening. I feel calm and very much in the holiday spirit. I've been relaxing with my daughter, Paige, and enjoying myself. I do not feel the hectic hustle and bustle that others are experiencing. Granted, I am not that busy with work right now, so I am able to relax. I'm thinking a lot about my "Gratitude Revolution". I'm so excited. My book is with an editor right now. I am ready to enter the stage of getting it published. I'm scared and thrilled all at the same time. I have been talking about this project with some people and I've gotten a lot of encouragement. I want to surge ahead in the new year with confidence and passion.

A few things I've forgotten to mention...the letter to my mom...I have not received any acknowledgment from her. I wrote it a good 3 weeks ago and I have talked to her many times since then. Not a word. Of course I'm writing all kinds of stories in my head as to why she hasn't mentioned it. She didn't like it. It wasn't good enough. I didn't express enough love. She doesn't know what to say. She's clueless. I expect too much from her. I feel like I failed. I really wish it didn't matter so much to me. I'm letting go.

While I was on my business trip last week, I organized my letters and made a list of everyone I've written to already. Then I made a quick list of potential recipients. As I was organizing the letters, I stopped to read a few. They are really beautiful letters. After reading a few, I was crying. Crying because I'm amazed at how much love I have inside of me. I'm impressed at the way I can channel what the universe wants me to tell each person. I'm in awe of the magnificence people who surround me in my life. I am thrilled that I can touch people in this way. I am also sad, wondering why I don't feel this same love for myself. I want to feel the power of this love I have inside of me. I want to be loved. I keep looking to the outside for love that doesn't seem to be there (romantic relationship type). I know I need to look within and direct this incredible love I have toward myself. Why does this seem so difficult to do?

Today I received a letter from my grandmother. It was sweet. I could tell that she was trying hard to connect with me and express her appreciation for the contact I made with her. I'm going to write her another letter soon. I also received a letter from my Uncle Bob who I had written to a while ago. He too appreciated my letter and poured out all kinds of details about what has been going on in his life. It was nice.

Today I wrote to my sister again. She just watched Paige for me while I was away on business and I appreciate her so much. I never want her to feel like I take her for granted. She loves me and my daughter so much. She really gets us, and that is priceless. We have a great little love triangle over here that I wouldn't trade for anything.

Day Sixty Four

It's been a few days (again) since I've blogged. It's also been a few days since I have written my letters. Tuesday flew by and then I traveled all day on Wednesday. I'm away on a business trip. I brought my cards with me, thinking I would write letters on the plane. I never got in the mood and I think that is important. My morning meeting was canceled, so I find myself with two hours of free time. I just wrote five letters. Two of them were make-ups, one was for today and I got ahead of the game by writing through Saturday's letters. I feel crappy when I skip a day. Maybe "crappy" isn't the right word. I feel "guilty". I feel like I am breaking my own rules and not living up to my commitment. When I don't write it's usually because I am wrapped up in something and I am not in the space to write a letter. My objective with writing one per day is to get in touch with the love and gratitude on a daily basis. I always make up the letters to be sure I am sending out a daily dose of love (on average). Once I'm caught up, I feel so much better.

So, I've been thinking about this "guilt"... a self imposed, unproductive emotion! After careful consideration I've decided a few things. One is that it is important to be in the right space to send out the best possible love and gratitude that I can. I don't want to be writing out of obligation. The second is that what I'm doing is good, even if the love comes in waves. Missing a day here and there and "double dosing" to make up for it is FINE! I swear, I am my own worst enemy sometimes!

I have written sixty four letters. That is a LOT of love. I am struck by the magnitude of the love in my life. I have written to sixty four incredible people whom I truly love. I am blessed with having amazing people all around me. And...it's only day sixty four! I have 300 more people to go! I've got lots more to get to and hopefully I will meet some new amazing people along the way. Life is good... : )

Day Sixty One

I went to a workshop on Saturday. It was run by the coach/hypnotist I wrote to last Wednesday. It was a vision quest workshop to create a vision board and clarify my direction. At the beginning of the workshop, each participant got up and told a bit about ourselves and why we were there. I said my piece. I talked about my book and about the "gratitude revolution" I am starting. Then the workshop leader proceeded to read the card I wrote to her out loud to the group. I was floored as she read it out loud. It was a beautiful card. I was a seamless flowing string of loving words. It felt so good to hear. I imagined being on the receiving end of something like that. As I listened, I knew for a fact that when I wrote that letter I was channeling pure love from the universe. I really want to master this skill. It's coming out in other areas of my life.

Today, my ex-husband butt dialed me on his cell phone. I called back and he answered. I found myself having a pleasant conversation with him. I found myself being compassionate instead of angry and judgmental. I was encouraging and grounded. I didn't feel responsible for his actions or lack of them. I felt accepting and willing to help. I don't know where all of that came from, yet I do know that I liked it! I decided to write him a letter today. It's not a perfect letter; however, I think it is good.

I also wrote to my cousin today. He is an amazing guy who is cool beyond comprehension. He's a new daddy and going through a lot. He's in my thoughts and I want him to know how spectacular he is.

In the past few days I have also written to two of my local friends whom I haven't seen in a while.

Today I got an email from one of my friends back east who said she has been meaning to write to thank me for her card. It arrived the day after her birthday, so she assumed it was a birthday card. She was very excited to find that it was just an "everyday" card. I love it!

My very sweet Uncle just sent me a message telling me how much he loved his "love letter". He commented on how grateful he is to have a close relationship with me because I have "allowed" it. It makes me realize that I must allow myself to be open for that love to come to me. I proclaim that I am ready to receive all the love the universe has to shower me with! Bring it on!!!

Day Fifty Seven

Great things are happening for me. I am completely in the holiday spirit and I love it. My living room looks very festive with a pretty tree and lights and garland all around. I have been enjoying sitting here in the evenings, soaking it all in. I've noticed that I am feeling generally more loving and grateful. I smile more at strangers. It's easier to express compliments and say positive things to people. Words are coming out of my mouth "uncensored" and they are very kind and loving. I feel more open and connected. I think my letter writing has a lot to do with it.

Yesterday I went for a coaching/hypnotism session with an amazing woman. I told her how I was unfocused and unsure of the direction I was going in. I have 5 different things going on professionally and I don't like the way it feels. I want to find my path and purpose. I am someone who needs to be passionate about my work. In this session I started talking about the various projects I have going on. I mentioned my book "Get Your Gratitude On!" and she said my whole energy shifted in a positive and passionate way. We then discussed Project Gratitude. I was crying as I was talking about the effects this has had on me in just a mere 57 days. She clearly saw the potential for my book and the need for gratitude in the world. I'm formulating a plan to start a Gratitude Revolution in the world! I'm excited and passionate and clear about where I am going. Yay!!!!

Yesterday I wrote to the amazing coach above. It was an easy letter to write. I got an email from my father's partner the other day thanking me for his letter and telling me how much it meant to be a part of our family. I definitely feel like I am doing good in the world!

Day Fifty Five

I've been feeling behind the eight ball with my letters and my posting. I was a day behind all weekend. I'm finally caught up on the love and it feels so much better. I even wrote one day ahead because the mood hit me and I have a very busy day tomorrow. I'm sorta breaking my own rules by not writing one letter every day. The intention was to get into that loving, gratuitous state each and every day. However, I think that I am doubling up on the love the next day, so it's got to balance out a little bit!

In the last 4 days I've written to my step-nephew, my uncle, my friend back east, my friend here in CA...someone else too, the name is escaping me. I've been getting a little bit of feedback here and there. Yesterday my hairdresser told me how much she appreciated her letter.

In general I am feeling very loving and open. I am feeling the effects of this project. I am seeing how many people I have in my life that are amazing. I am feeling the true essence of people and finding that it's not too difficult to find the good. It's actually quite easy. It's getting easier and easier to let the love flow freely. I'm feeling the unity and oneness of humanity. That sounds kind of corny, however, its true and very powerful.

Day Fifty One

I feel very good about my expressions of gratitude. I'm very much in the holiday spirit. Yesterday I wrote to my friend who is about to have a baby any minute! She just had a false alarm today. She is an amazing woman who is going to bring a little miracle into this world and shower it with all of her awesomeness as a mommy. I can hardly wait!

Today, I wrote to the headmaster of my daughter's old school. She is away at a Diversity Leadership Conference and she texted me early this morning upon arrival to say that she ran into the Diversity Director from her old school. I could tell she was very excited. It made me extremely grateful for the 9 years we spent at that school. It helped mold her into this fantastic young person she is today. She made some lasting connections that will have meaning to her for a very long time. I love the Diversity Director too, yet I immediately thought of the head of school and how significant his contributions are to every person in the school community. I was very emotional when I wrote it. I think I'm feeling nostalgic today.