Day One Hundred Forty Eight

I'm back again. I've been feeling very guilty for not writing letters and not blogging. My sister just got on my butt and encouraged me to write a letter and blog...so here I am!

I've been super overwhelmed lately. Mostly I'm just in and out of feeling like crap. I'm a solid month behind on my letters and that just feels bad. It's to the point where I'm not sure I can catch up, so I feel like a failure and I'm making it worse by not writing! Hmm...where else does this show up in my life?

I just wrote a letter to my cousin who was out west a couple of weeks ago. He's such a great guy. It's funny, he was one of the "young batch" of cousins and it's great to get to know him as an adult. He's probably going to think it's weird that I wrote him a letter and you know what???? I just don't care!

So much to say and so little time. I've got to run. It feels good to reconnect. I hope I remember that next time I think about not writing!

Day One Hundred Twenty

Ahhhh....I feel so much better now. I wrote 4 letters yesterday and 3 more today. I'm going to be caught up soon. I've been writing to members of the team I am coaching. I think they will appreciate the letters.

So much has been going on since I have blogged last. One of the biggest things is that I lost my biggest client. Basically I have my last paycheck in hand and it's not enough to pay the bills this month. I'm in a very tough situation. I've done my share of crying and every day I am pushing forward, following as many leads as possible and staying positive. Last week, I wrote a letter to my landlords telling them how much I appreciate them. They are truly the best landlords ever. This past summer I asked them if they could lower my rent, and they did--by $300! They are extremely understanding when the rent is a little late and are just plain good to me. After I told them how much I appreciate them I told them I lost my job. They called me as soon as they received my letter telling me not to worry and to call them so we could work something out. I was too emotional to respond. It's been a few days since they left the message. Today, my landlord showed up at my door, figuring it would be a hard call for me to make. He was right. He assured me that we would work it out. He said not to worry and we would get through it. He said that Paige and I were great tenants and good people and he was happy to have us in the house. He doesn't want me to make myself sick worrying. Who does this???? I feel SO grateful for his understanding. I don't really know how to show my gratitude.

Day One Hundred Nineteen

I'm back! Wow...life has been a bit of a whirlwind for the past 3 weeks. I'm coaching a personal growth seminar and it is extremely time consuming. I am submersed in it as well as everything else that is going on in my life. I am waaaaaay behind on my letter writing. I've been writing letters here and there and once I got out of the groove and felt the pressure of being behind, writing a letter per day didn't feel like it would make a dent. Intellectually I know this is silly (as are a lot of things I think) however it has kept me from getting back on the one-a-day bandwagon. Having said that, here I am proclaiming publicly that I am back on the bandwagon!

I've been conscious of being grateful for people and things around me every day. I miss my letter writing and I am looking forward to writing some letters tonight. I have gotten some feedback during this little hiatus. One of my neighbors from back home wrote me this really awesome email about how touched she was about my letter. She read it to her husband and then to her children. She proceeded to tell me how much she missed Paige and I living next door and updated me on all 3 of her children. It was great to know she was touched and great to hear how things are going with her family. I also saw a woman who I had written to a while ago. She had already thanked me for her letter, yet she thanked me again and told me it was the nicest letter she had ever gotten. She keeps it out and reads it all the time. I had also written to my long time life coach. She was very touched by her card. She said tears came to her eyes. She keeps it out as a reminder of why she does the work she does.

I love making a difference in people's lives. I've got to get writing now!

Day Ninety Three

Yesterday I wrote to a good friend of mine who I haven't spoken to in a while. Actually I spoke to her yesterday and wrote her letter when I got off the phone. She's one of those people who I connected to instantly. I know that I could call her anytime and no matter how long it has been, we would have a great conversation and not miss a beat. She's a dynamic and loving woman, full of positive energy. I'm glad I know her.

Last night, I had a meeting with 3 amazing people-- Shelley, Ed and Jessie. We are going to be coaching a team of players who are enrolled in a 90 day personal growth seminar called PLD (Pacesetter's Leadership Dynamic). It's an intense seminar where the players set goals in 4 areas of their lives (spiritual, mental wealth, health and relationships). The goals push the boundaries of their comfort zones and force them to stretch and grow with the support of a coach and a team. It's an amazing experience and I am truly looking forward to coaching and helping others move in their lives. I'll probably be talking about this a lot over the next 90 days, so I want to lay the foundation for you!

So last night the coaches got together to share our "stories" to understand each other's triggers and programs so that we will be better able to support each other in the game. One of the coaches, Shelley, shared her story. She told us about her brother Brian who is in jail. I was moved by her love for her brother as she told the story and felt compelled to write him a letter. She was very happy about that idea and was excited that I might share the letter in my blog. So, here goes...my first published letter.

Dear Brian,

You don't know me, yet I just learned about you last night through your sister Shelley. She was sharing her story with me and you were a very meaningful part. She described her journey through PSI and how you introduced her to the Basic. She talked about how close the two of you are and how much she misses you. She also talked about the connection with your older sister, the experience you shared at FC and the secret you've asked Shelley and your family to keep for fear of damaging that connection you've waited to long to have.

I won't pretend to understand everything you're going through. What I will say is that through the tears, as Shelley told her story and talked about you and your family, it was quite clear that there is a lot of love. Sometimes it's not clear in the moment why our lives unfold the way they do. From the outside looking in, I see such a gift in what you're going through. You're bringing your family together in a way that would not happen otherwise. I'm guessing that your older sister would truly want to be a part of this journey with you.

I'm grateful that Shelley shared her story with me. I got to witness the love she has for you. I'm grateful that you introduced Shelley to PSI so that we are now connected and about to go on a wild ride together as PLD coaches. You have made a positive difference in this world. The ripple effect of Shelley and all the people's lives she's touched since you introduced her to PSI is staggering. I'm quite sure you've made other contributions as well. You matter in this world to the people who love you and to people like me who don't even know you. And for that, I am grateful!

That feels really good!

Day Ninety One

Today was another good day. It was very emotional and I'm exhausted. Today Abe came over. I was surprised at how much I missed him and how happy I was to see him. I really did miss him a lot. We talked pretty seriously about things, about us. I want him to open up. I want to take our relationship to the next level. He's not used to the kind of connection that I want. He's in complete resistance, yet he wants me in his life. I basically gave him an ultimatum. I want him to take the PSI Basic seminar (life changing awesome personal growth seminar). Its the only way I can think to expose him to the way of being that will get us where I want to go. He's in complete resistance. Ugh... I guess we'll see how much he really wants to be in a relationship with me.

I wrote him a letter today telling him just how I feel about him and how happy I would be if he would trust me and move forward with me. It was a nice letter.

My sister Kim called me today. She is following a Bob Proctor program called six minutes to success. Today she was challenged to think of 3 people in her life who she truly admired and call those people and tell them why she admired them. She called me and left me the most heartfelt amazing message. I cried. She was crying in the message as she expressed her feelings. I saved that message and I've already listened to it 3 times. I texted her and told her that the way it felt to leave those messages is the way it feels to write these letters--absolutely amazing!

Day Ninety

Today was a good day! I got a lot done and I felt peaceful while doing it. The weather was gorgeous. I weighed myself and it wasn't as bad as I had imagined...life is good. Today I wrote checks to two people who have been very patient with getting payment from me. One is a good friend who filed some tax papers for me and said I could pay her "whenever". I was starting to feel horrible about it. It feels great to clear that debt. I wrote her a thank you card and expressed my gratitude for being so patient and understanding. The other was a new acquaintance whom I was starting to do some business with. I just plum ran out of funds and have been putting off paying her. I wrote that check today as well as a thank you card. I'm grateful for clearing those debts, having patient, understanding people in my life and having the abundance to be able to pay them!

Day Eighty Nine

Aaaahhh....I've been goofing of all morning and I really need to get some work done. I wanted to post before I get wrapped up in things. Before I know it, the day is over and I'm too tired for any quality reflections. That's been happening a lot lately. So here I am...

Yesterday I helped my sister Kim move. It was a lot of work and also a lot of fun. I've noticed that moving is so much better when it's not you that's moving! Paige and I were there along with her girlfriend Charlene and a few other friends of Kim's. One friend had a truck and graciously spent the day helping us move. The other was a woman, her son and her son's friend. The woman, Liz, was wonderful. I liked her immediately. My sister has incredible friends--a true testament to how fantastic my sister is. She always has so much support around her, I aspire to learn how she does it. Not only was Liz great, she brought her 17 year old son and his friend. Yes, I said two 17 year old boys spent their Saturday helping someone they don't even know move. They were great kids. We had fun with them. They were definitely the muscle and they were much needed. What was so nice about the day was seeing a group of people come together, out of love for my sister, and pitch in to get the job done. I was happy to be a part of it. I think this is going to be a good thing for my sister too. Her new place is cute. A great place for her to get her bearings and start fresh.

A little gift for me was meeting Liz! As I said, I liked her immediately. I always like Kim's friends. I know so many of them already and it was nice to meet another one. I wrote her a letter yesterday, thanking her for being such a great friend to my sister and letting her know how glad I was to meet her. Bonus for me!

Today I had a couple of letters to make up for. I wrote to the Textile Science Department Chair at FIDM (Amanda). I officially started teaching on Thursday. I stopped in for an impromptu discussion with her before class started. I wanted to tell her how grateful I was to be part of the FIDM team. I also wanted to discuss my future there as well as potential financial increases. The starting pay is so bad that she was embarrassed to tell me what it was when I first asked. So, I jumped into discussion with her and was honest in saying how I can see myself fitting in at FIDM and that I think I have a lot to offer. Right now I am teaching Textile Science classes. They are already asking me to teach the two advanced classes and I am being pursued by the Textile Design Chair to teach some design classes in her department. I would really like that. So, my questions to Amanda were related to how quickly the pay will increase and realistically what could I expect if I were working full time there. They don't offer many instructors full time positions, yet they have already told me that is what they are working toward with me. She was so gracious. She and I hit it off at our very first meeting. She was honest and told me that there are "ways" to get my pay up to par and she completely understands my concerns regarding my investment of time in relation to what I can expect in financial compensation. She was very positive and encouraging. I am grateful that I am able to be honest with her and talk openly about my concerns. I am also grateful that she seems to see all the good in me and is completely aware of my potential and what I have to offer the school. I wrote her a letter to tell her just that!

I also wrote to the instructor whom I have been auditing. She has taken me under her wing and has been a terrific mentor. I appreciate her very much and I wanted her to know.

I wrote to a woman back East who I used to visit once in a while. She reads tarot cards and owns a spiritual gift shop. She's a great lady and I miss her!

So, I'm all caught up, which feels good. Soon, I am going to send out an email to all of my friends telling them about my book and my blog. I want more followers and I want to inspire others to get in on the gratitude revolution I am starting!

Day Eighty Six

I'm feeling very raw and vulnerable right now. I just got off the phone with my sister Laura, who just discovered my blog. She had lunch yesterday with a friend who discovered my blog through facebook and this friend was telling Laura how much she loved the blog. She said she was "cyber-stalking" me and hadn't become an official follower. Hopefully she will follow openly once she finds out how happy it makes me to know that she found my blog and is inspired by it. Knowing that someone is out there reading my words and being inspired by the process of what I am doing inspires me. It will motivate me to continue writing and write more often, which is ultimately what I want to do. So, welcome mystery friend! And thank you!

So, I was talking to Laura, who is definitely spiritual. She gets it, so it was great to share in the enthusiasm of her new discovery. We talked about the process and the ripple effect I want to have in the world. At some point the conversation got over to my mom--and ugh--my biggest fear came true. Laura asked my mom if she got her letter. My mom said that she had gotten it a while ago. She said I was "writing to everyone" and it was nothing special. That hurts to hear, even though I already knew she probably didn't like it that much. Honestly, it wasn't heart stopping, but it was nice and worth acknowledging. But that's my mother for you. Then we started talking about our ( mom and me) relationship in general. It definitely needs some mending although I don't even know where to start. In talking with Laura I said that my mother doesn't understand me. I have a really hard time being myself around her. I am a bright, shiny, loving, talented, successful woman and when I'm around her I feel like I have to shut down because she can't take it. Not only is it too much for her, she even thinks I do the things I do just to show off and get praise. She probably thinks that I am writing letters to everyone so that they can all tell me how wonderful I am. She so doesn't get me at all. And it hurts to be around her. One time, quite a while ago, she was at my house and telling me how she went into this church she had never been in before. She always lights three candles and makes three wishes when she visits a new church. She said that she had wished that my sister Tina would find someone to love. I was so touched. She had met Dave at this point and I was happy for Tina. I said "Awwww... that's sweet. Could you wish something like that for me?" My mother's reply was, "You have enough!" Can you imagine? It's almost as if she doesn't want me to have it all. Like I don't deserve to be successful, have an amazing daughter and be loved by a man. It really hurt to think that my own mother would not want me to have it all. I can't imagine not wanting my own daughter to have it all, be the very best she can be and shine as brightly as she can--full blast all the time if she wants to. It makes me sad that my mother chooses to hold onto resentment and blame. She's so angry with me and I don't even know why. It feels like she's angry with me for being myself. That's not something I want to change. I don't know where to start to make amends. She's not open, she's not growing, she doesn't understand me.

On top of that, the man I was dating for 9 months from January to October called me yesterday. It was good to talk, and disappointing at the same time. I had written him a letter just before Thanksgiving. I wanted him to know how grateful I was to have met him and share all that we did in the time we were together. He liked his card a lot. The reason we broke up is because he is not emotionally available. His emotions are on lock-down. Having said that, he is a truly dependable, loyal, loving man. Things in our relationship were good, stable, we're compatible, etc. There wasn't the connection I'm looking for. I wanted him to take a personal growth class, the PSI Basic, that I highly recommend. He's so analytical that he won't get out of his head for two seconds to imagine that taking the class could open him up and help him understand the kind of relationship I want to have and give him the tools to achieve it. It's frustrating to me. He thinks all of the spiritual work that I do and the personal growth stuff is "abstract". So, I'm sorry to say that my behavior around him has been bad. I shut down and stop shining around him too. He doesn't get me. He doesn't see or respond to my spirit. I don't know why I allow myself to shut down, but I do. So, I have to ask myself why I am attracting these relationships into my life. The whole time we were together, I was talking myself into the relationship. I convinced myself that he would open up and that I would persuade him to take the class. It didn't happen and I made a decision that I wasn't going to settle. That was a huge decision for me. It almost felt like I attracted him into my life so that I could get clear on what kind of relationship I really wanted. I did get to experience someone who was honest, dependable, kind, generous and patient. It's hard to let him go. It's hard to let go of all of that and keep the faith that what I really want is out there somewhere.

So, we talked and it was great to catch up with him. I've been thinking about him a lot and I miss having him in my life. Today I forced him to talk about "us" and the connection I am hoping for. It's all so abstract to him. He really doesn't get it. Why is it so difficult for me to let go? I know he's got the potential, yet I don't even think he wants this in his life. He doesn't know what he's missing. And he doesn't want to take the risk to find out. I know I should just walk away. I guess we didn't have the closure that I want, so I need to go through this process.

So, I have two letters to write today. One for yesterday and one for today. Paige and I were just having a heavy conversation. She hates life right now and she's blaming it all on the fact that I'm forcing her to go to private school, which she claims is too hard. I'm exhausted from arguing with her. I've got to get into the space to write letters...

Day Eighty Three

Aaahhh...two days in a row! I'm on a roll! This morning I started off my day by writing my letter. I lit my candle and wrote to the mother of one of my college roommates. Writing to her made me so happy. I can see her smile and hear her laugh right now as I'm writing. She was so good to me. I remember the very first time my friend brought me home with her. Her mom enveloped me with love and nurturing from the first minute I walked in the door. Why is it that all other mothers love me more than my own???? Just kidding...I know my mother loves me.

I just got a facebook message from the friend I wrote to the other day. She is actually my sister's old college roommate. I know her from my visits to UConn way back when. Now she lives in CA too and we see her once in a while. Anyway, she wrote the she just received the best card EVER! That makes me happy!

Hmm...and kind of sad too. Apparently I'm good at this love letter writing. I really wish I had someone special to shower with love. There's some REALLY lucky guy out there. I sure wish he would hurry up and get here!

Tomorrow I am flat out busy from 6 am-11pm, so I wrote tomorrow's letter tonight. I wrote to a healer who I've known since I was a teenager. She's in CT. I enjoyed thinking about her and telling her how special she is.

Still Day Eighty Two

Okay, so I just went back and read the card from my Aunt so that I could soak in the love without resistance. It was wonderful. I feel like sharing the note here.

Dear Cheryl,

Thank you so much for you wonderful card. I can't tell you how much it touched me. You are just too kind. God has given you so many talents and everything you do seems to come out just perfect. You are a wonderful mother raising your daughter all by yourself. You use all your talents to the fullest. You've always been remarkable to me! When you took an interest in sewing I was so pleased. No one has ever shown me their interest before and you were so young, at that! I love you dearly and that will never change.

Your loving Aunt,

Yvette

P.S. I read your card over and over and get chilly every time. You know how to melt my heart.

So of course I love reading all of the nice things she says about me and it feels good to be loved, yet the part that made me cry was her P.S. It was about the fact that I expressed love that makes her feel chilly every time she reads it! That feels so good. I want to make the point that what feels powerful to me is the giving, the expressing, the causing someone else to feel good. That is what I am loving about this.

Day Eighty Two

Wow! I can hardly believe that it has been so long since I have blogged. Paige has been out of school since the week before Christmas and I confess that I effortlessly fell into a state of "togetherness" with her...sleeping in, watching movies, doing holiday stuff. She is still off today, however, I am determined to get back on schedule. I have been writing letters, I just haven't been blogging.

So much has been going on. I have been enjoying the time with my daughter. We've been getting along really well. I have been in a state of gratitude that is definitely elevated, noticing the small things, feeling peaceful and being as loving as I can toward myself and others. It seems like I have been talking about my letters more lately. Maybe because my book is ready to be sent to a publisher and the bigger picture is becoming clear. I want to find a way to get more people reading my blog and being inspired to take some action on their own. My sister told me that she is inspired to write one letter a week! I am SO happy that I am causing a little ripple.

I've been getting some feedback here and there. My cousin sent me a facebook message that was really sweet. She was touched by my card and said told me how much she looked up to me. My friend said she loved her letter. It made her "blush". I love it! I can picture her feeling that rush when love washes over you. She's great. We're going to have lunch sometime soon. My Aunt Marie wrote me a lovely facebook post that really touched me. Even though I know whe loves me it was so nice to read it. And...I got my first handwritten love letter back! My sweet Aunt Yvette, whom I love dearly, wrote me a letter. People have sent me emails and facebook messages and have told me in person how much they like their letters, yet the handwritten note with the sole purpose of expressing love had a lot of power. It made me cry. As I'm writing those words, I realize that I was in such resistance to hearing them. My daughter was sitting nearby and I didn't want her to see me burst out in tears and have to explain. She's seen me cry plenty of times, I'm not sure why this would be a big deal. It felt personal and private. It was wonderful.

If my letters are causing people to experience love like that...I am SO happy!

It's a new year. I'm excited. By the end of this year my Gratitude Revolution will be in full swing. My book, "Get Your Gratitude On!" will be published and selling. I will be doing workshops on gratitude and spreading something good and meaningful out into the world.