Day Sixty Nine

So much has been happening. I feel calm and very much in the holiday spirit. I've been relaxing with my daughter, Paige, and enjoying myself. I do not feel the hectic hustle and bustle that others are experiencing. Granted, I am not that busy with work right now, so I am able to relax. I'm thinking a lot about my "Gratitude Revolution". I'm so excited. My book is with an editor right now. I am ready to enter the stage of getting it published. I'm scared and thrilled all at the same time. I have been talking about this project with some people and I've gotten a lot of encouragement. I want to surge ahead in the new year with confidence and passion.

A few things I've forgotten to mention...the letter to my mom...I have not received any acknowledgment from her. I wrote it a good 3 weeks ago and I have talked to her many times since then. Not a word. Of course I'm writing all kinds of stories in my head as to why she hasn't mentioned it. She didn't like it. It wasn't good enough. I didn't express enough love. She doesn't know what to say. She's clueless. I expect too much from her. I feel like I failed. I really wish it didn't matter so much to me. I'm letting go.

While I was on my business trip last week, I organized my letters and made a list of everyone I've written to already. Then I made a quick list of potential recipients. As I was organizing the letters, I stopped to read a few. They are really beautiful letters. After reading a few, I was crying. Crying because I'm amazed at how much love I have inside of me. I'm impressed at the way I can channel what the universe wants me to tell each person. I'm in awe of the magnificence people who surround me in my life. I am thrilled that I can touch people in this way. I am also sad, wondering why I don't feel this same love for myself. I want to feel the power of this love I have inside of me. I want to be loved. I keep looking to the outside for love that doesn't seem to be there (romantic relationship type). I know I need to look within and direct this incredible love I have toward myself. Why does this seem so difficult to do?

Today I received a letter from my grandmother. It was sweet. I could tell that she was trying hard to connect with me and express her appreciation for the contact I made with her. I'm going to write her another letter soon. I also received a letter from my Uncle Bob who I had written to a while ago. He too appreciated my letter and poured out all kinds of details about what has been going on in his life. It was nice.

Today I wrote to my sister again. She just watched Paige for me while I was away on business and I appreciate her so much. I never want her to feel like I take her for granted. She loves me and my daughter so much. She really gets us, and that is priceless. We have a great little love triangle over here that I wouldn't trade for anything.

Day Sixty Four

It's been a few days (again) since I've blogged. It's also been a few days since I have written my letters. Tuesday flew by and then I traveled all day on Wednesday. I'm away on a business trip. I brought my cards with me, thinking I would write letters on the plane. I never got in the mood and I think that is important. My morning meeting was canceled, so I find myself with two hours of free time. I just wrote five letters. Two of them were make-ups, one was for today and I got ahead of the game by writing through Saturday's letters. I feel crappy when I skip a day. Maybe "crappy" isn't the right word. I feel "guilty". I feel like I am breaking my own rules and not living up to my commitment. When I don't write it's usually because I am wrapped up in something and I am not in the space to write a letter. My objective with writing one per day is to get in touch with the love and gratitude on a daily basis. I always make up the letters to be sure I am sending out a daily dose of love (on average). Once I'm caught up, I feel so much better.

So, I've been thinking about this "guilt"... a self imposed, unproductive emotion! After careful consideration I've decided a few things. One is that it is important to be in the right space to send out the best possible love and gratitude that I can. I don't want to be writing out of obligation. The second is that what I'm doing is good, even if the love comes in waves. Missing a day here and there and "double dosing" to make up for it is FINE! I swear, I am my own worst enemy sometimes!

I have written sixty four letters. That is a LOT of love. I am struck by the magnitude of the love in my life. I have written to sixty four incredible people whom I truly love. I am blessed with having amazing people all around me. And...it's only day sixty four! I have 300 more people to go! I've got lots more to get to and hopefully I will meet some new amazing people along the way. Life is good... : )

Day Sixty One

I went to a workshop on Saturday. It was run by the coach/hypnotist I wrote to last Wednesday. It was a vision quest workshop to create a vision board and clarify my direction. At the beginning of the workshop, each participant got up and told a bit about ourselves and why we were there. I said my piece. I talked about my book and about the "gratitude revolution" I am starting. Then the workshop leader proceeded to read the card I wrote to her out loud to the group. I was floored as she read it out loud. It was a beautiful card. I was a seamless flowing string of loving words. It felt so good to hear. I imagined being on the receiving end of something like that. As I listened, I knew for a fact that when I wrote that letter I was channeling pure love from the universe. I really want to master this skill. It's coming out in other areas of my life.

Today, my ex-husband butt dialed me on his cell phone. I called back and he answered. I found myself having a pleasant conversation with him. I found myself being compassionate instead of angry and judgmental. I was encouraging and grounded. I didn't feel responsible for his actions or lack of them. I felt accepting and willing to help. I don't know where all of that came from, yet I do know that I liked it! I decided to write him a letter today. It's not a perfect letter; however, I think it is good.

I also wrote to my cousin today. He is an amazing guy who is cool beyond comprehension. He's a new daddy and going through a lot. He's in my thoughts and I want him to know how spectacular he is.

In the past few days I have also written to two of my local friends whom I haven't seen in a while.

Today I got an email from one of my friends back east who said she has been meaning to write to thank me for her card. It arrived the day after her birthday, so she assumed it was a birthday card. She was very excited to find that it was just an "everyday" card. I love it!

My very sweet Uncle just sent me a message telling me how much he loved his "love letter". He commented on how grateful he is to have a close relationship with me because I have "allowed" it. It makes me realize that I must allow myself to be open for that love to come to me. I proclaim that I am ready to receive all the love the universe has to shower me with! Bring it on!!!

Day Fifty Seven

Great things are happening for me. I am completely in the holiday spirit and I love it. My living room looks very festive with a pretty tree and lights and garland all around. I have been enjoying sitting here in the evenings, soaking it all in. I've noticed that I am feeling generally more loving and grateful. I smile more at strangers. It's easier to express compliments and say positive things to people. Words are coming out of my mouth "uncensored" and they are very kind and loving. I feel more open and connected. I think my letter writing has a lot to do with it.

Yesterday I went for a coaching/hypnotism session with an amazing woman. I told her how I was unfocused and unsure of the direction I was going in. I have 5 different things going on professionally and I don't like the way it feels. I want to find my path and purpose. I am someone who needs to be passionate about my work. In this session I started talking about the various projects I have going on. I mentioned my book "Get Your Gratitude On!" and she said my whole energy shifted in a positive and passionate way. We then discussed Project Gratitude. I was crying as I was talking about the effects this has had on me in just a mere 57 days. She clearly saw the potential for my book and the need for gratitude in the world. I'm formulating a plan to start a Gratitude Revolution in the world! I'm excited and passionate and clear about where I am going. Yay!!!!

Yesterday I wrote to the amazing coach above. It was an easy letter to write. I got an email from my father's partner the other day thanking me for his letter and telling me how much it meant to be a part of our family. I definitely feel like I am doing good in the world!

Day Fifty Five

I've been feeling behind the eight ball with my letters and my posting. I was a day behind all weekend. I'm finally caught up on the love and it feels so much better. I even wrote one day ahead because the mood hit me and I have a very busy day tomorrow. I'm sorta breaking my own rules by not writing one letter every day. The intention was to get into that loving, gratuitous state each and every day. However, I think that I am doubling up on the love the next day, so it's got to balance out a little bit!

In the last 4 days I've written to my step-nephew, my uncle, my friend back east, my friend here in CA...someone else too, the name is escaping me. I've been getting a little bit of feedback here and there. Yesterday my hairdresser told me how much she appreciated her letter.

In general I am feeling very loving and open. I am feeling the effects of this project. I am seeing how many people I have in my life that are amazing. I am feeling the true essence of people and finding that it's not too difficult to find the good. It's actually quite easy. It's getting easier and easier to let the love flow freely. I'm feeling the unity and oneness of humanity. That sounds kind of corny, however, its true and very powerful.

Day Fifty One

I feel very good about my expressions of gratitude. I'm very much in the holiday spirit. Yesterday I wrote to my friend who is about to have a baby any minute! She just had a false alarm today. She is an amazing woman who is going to bring a little miracle into this world and shower it with all of her awesomeness as a mommy. I can hardly wait!

Today, I wrote to the headmaster of my daughter's old school. She is away at a Diversity Leadership Conference and she texted me early this morning upon arrival to say that she ran into the Diversity Director from her old school. I could tell she was very excited. It made me extremely grateful for the 9 years we spent at that school. It helped mold her into this fantastic young person she is today. She made some lasting connections that will have meaning to her for a very long time. I love the Diversity Director too, yet I immediately thought of the head of school and how significant his contributions are to every person in the school community. I was very emotional when I wrote it. I think I'm feeling nostalgic today.

Day Forty Nine

Well...I just got the BEST phone call from my friend Melanie. I sent her a card a few weeks ago. Melanie is an amazingly talented singer and actress. She's beautiful and vibrant and she just glows. I love being around her. Anyway... I sent her letter and was a little nervous about it. I actually texted her for her address and she was excited for "whatever I was sending". I was nervous that she would think it was weird. We are connected on a spiritual level but we haven't spent that much time together. I was worried she would think I was hitting on her or something. I know, it's silly. Then I didn't hear from her for weeks. I thought it was unlike her not to respond at all. So, today she calls me and starts off saying that she has had my card in her car since she received it and wanted to wait long enough to tell me just how much the card means to her on a daily basis. She is so funny. She loves it. She's traveling around town with it. It makes her smile and it makes her happy. I am SO happy right now!

I consider myself a very positive person, yet I continually think the worst in this little experiment. I wonder why that is.

Day Forty Eight

Whew! I feel relieved. I was all caught up in my weekend and hadn't written for 4 days! So, I just played catch up. I'm so glad I went ahead and wrote two on Tuesday last week in anticipation of a busy weekend.

First, I want to talk about the feedback I've been getting. I got a very sweet note from my friend Karyn. She appreciated her card a lot. They always seem to come at "just the right time" as I'm discovering. My aunt from Massachusetts wrote me a letter in response to mine. She is sweet and humble and deflected her greatness all over the place. She loved hearing from me and wants to keep writing. Yesterday I got a call from my local friend who LOVED his card. We have a special bond and I love knowing that I can make him smile. Today I received an email from my friend Eli, here in CA. She is an amazing woman who faces so many challenges every single day. I honestly don't know how she does it. She loved her card too. I hope my words can give her strength and remind her just how spectacular she is.

So, I sat down this morning to get "caught up" on my love-fest of gratitude. First I wrote to my friend who moved away to Arkansas last December. I stumbled across a little Valentine note she sent me last year and decided to shower her with some love.

Then I wrote to my dad's old boyfriend. My dad passed away about 12 years ago. James was his partner at the time and nursed my dad through lung cancer. He is a man with a heart of gold. He plays the role of caretaker quite often. I wanted him to know what a difference he makes in this world.

I followed that by writing to my friend who lives in Pennsylvania. We've been friends since college. She's a talented, loving person who doesn't always see how amazing she is. She has 3 precious daughters and is a wonderful wife and mother. I know she will appreciated the reminder of how special she is. It made me cry to write hers. Maybe I see a little of myself in her...the part who doesn't always see or feel her amazingness!

Then...I did it! I wrote to my mom! I took out my most beautiful card and just started writing. It really helped knowing that my mom sees how others are loving their cards. My aunt from the other day called my mom to talk and of course she mentioned the "nicest card" she ever received. I was still nervous. Sometimes I fear my mom is jaded and won't take the card at face value. It was tricky to write, but I did it. I can hardly express the relief I feel. Perhaps another occasion will present itself as the year goes on. I've still got over 300 letters to write! Yikes!

I was dreading writing my letters today, feeling overwhelmed and berating myself for not keeping up. Once I started writing it all faded away. It feels amazing to hold someone in their best light and shower them with love. It really does.

Day Forty Four

It's Thanksgiving Day. I am in Arizona with my family, having a great time. We got into the discussion of the cards everyone has been receiving. My mom even made a few comments about wanting one. That made me feel good. I'm glad she wants one and doesn't think it's silly. She's hearing everyone else talk about how much they liked theirs. I am feeling very much in a state of gratitude today and it feels good.

It's still day forty two. I'm sitting here, preparing for my trip and I had the urge to write some letters. I know that part of the point is to get into the space of love and gratitude each and every day. I know I will be in that space with my family and I know it will also be complete chaos. So, since the mood struck, I just wrote two letters. I'm still on a high because of the call from my Aunt.

So, I decided to write to a colleague of mine. He's a great guy who I have known for almost 12 years now. He's helped me with the software that I use to design with. Professionally he is fantastic. He's very intelligent, funny, supportive and helpful. Personally he is fun, kind, thoughtful and just an all around nice guy. I hope he doesn't think I'm weird...here I go again! Oh. That's right. I don't care...I'm just sending out the love.

Then I wrote to another one of my very special aunts. I think I mentioned the beautiful floral stationery that I bought recently--well I just broke it out for her. It is really, really pretty. Super feminine colors and nice thick card stock. It got me in the loving mode right away. She was very easy to write to. I feel loved unconditionally by her. Really, really loved. I hope she feels the love when she reads my card.

Day Forty Two

I just got the best phone call from my Aunt. She's the one I wrote to the other day. She was so happy to receive her letter. She said it was the nicest letter she's ever received. It almost made me cry. She asked me what brought this on...I told her about project gratitude. She loved the whole idea. It felt good that she was open to my love and let herself bask in it. It makes me happy on the inside.

Today I wrote to my good friend who just met the love of his life and got married! Shocked us all. He has been an inspiration to me as I've witnessed his journey of personal growth. I wanted to tell him how awesome he is and how lucky his wife is.

Yesterday I wrote to a different friend. Someone who I love to pieces for no good reason other than he "is". He's a cool guy and I feel seen and loved when I'm around him. He's married to an equally amazing woman who I love just as much! I've already written to her.

I'm leaving for Arizona tomorrow and will be gone all weekend. I'm committed to writing my letters, I'm just not sure if I will write them daily. I might write one or two through the weekend and make up the difference when I get back. I'm going to be conscious of my state of gratitude throughout the weekend with my family.

Day Forty

Wow! I can hardly believe that I've been doing this for forty days! Essentially I've written 40 love letters. I've gotten some great feedback lately that makes it all worth while. My old colleague, Rose, received her letter the other day. She called me and told me how much she loved it. She said that she could hardly read it because she was shedding so many tears. That makes me feel so good. I like having the ability to express my love and gratitude for people so that they really feel it.

Today I received an email from my good friend, who just happens to be my sister's girlfriend. I love her dearly. I know she's following my blog. It's funny because she received my letter and didn't know it was a gratitude letter. She thought it was an invitation or something. It was a very touching surprise to her when she realized that she was my "pick of the day!" She went on to read the letter, thinking she was reading about some other incredible woman. She was happy when she took it all in and realized it was about her. Both she and Rose are going to keep their letters to remind themselves just how amazing they are. Mission accomplished!

Yesterday I wrote to a very creative artist friend who I used to work with. She is a bright, happy, super creative woman with a beautiful young son and an amazing husband. She has created a special life for herself and I am always inspired by her. I also wrote to my Aunt. She's a very unique, feisty, grounded woman who has been a solid support for me and my family all of my life. Recently I've been working on staying centered. I know how powerful and important it is to stay grounded in what I believe in and want for myself and to act accordingly. As I was writing to her, I realized that being strong and centered is a quality I've been drawn to in her without even knowing it! As I was writing it was the first thing I mentioned and as I continued it was clear that it was her most powerful gift. It's nice to have a living breathing example of what you want to emulate in your own life.

Today I wrote to a good friend here in CA. Actually, she is my sister's best friend. I've known her through my sister over the past 10 years or more. She just returned from a volunteer mission in Romania, where she bestowed unconditional love on a group of infants and toddlers in a clinic there. I read her email describing her journey and I was so moved. I had to let her know just how inspiring and spectacular she is!

I'm realizing that I know some pretty amazing people. I truly have so much to be grateful for.

Day Thirty Eight

I'm having a tough time with this. Yesterday I panicked that I am running out of people. That's ridiculous, of course. I have a huge family and lots of friends and a whole lot of people yet to meet. I'm worried about expressing love to people. I'm worried about the things they will think of me. I'm worried that I won't make a difference. I'm worried that I have to take it down a notch. Here we go with diminishing myself so that other people won't be uncomfortable. Aaaaah!

Yesterday ran away with me and I didn't write a letter. So today I wrote two. I wrote to my old college roommate who is the single mother of two adopted children with special needs. We hadn't really kept in touch until I moved to CA, where she lives. Whenever I got the update on her life and fully comprehended what she goes through on a daily basis, I was speechless. Speechless and so grateful that I do not have the same challenges. So, I wrote to her and told her how amazing she is. I hope she takes the time to acknowledge just how incredible and how lucky her children are to have her.

I also wrote to my good friend here in CA. She is a very special person, committed to taking herself on every day. I admire her courage and heart.

Day Thirty Six

Today was a good day. I went to my class at FIDM. I feel so good when I'm there. I'm inspired by the material in class. I really like the woman who is training me. She is the assistant chair of the Textile Science department. She is a GREAT teacher and has set the bar really high for me. I like to be challenged. She took to me instantly and thinks I am a great fit for the school. I love her style. I am a student auditing the class right now and I am excelling. (As I should be, since I've been in the textile business for 20 years!) It feels good to excel and to be embraced for being strong and intelligent. I don't feel like I need to shrink around her. I love it! I've also challenged her a bit with some of the material. I don't think she has faced that too often.

Things are looking up with China too. The salesman is currently there, smoothing out some rough spots and singing my praises. I feel much better than I had been feeling about things. I've also gotten some designs started with Brazil.

I've been in a real slump with my personal stuff. Very much out of alignment with food and eating. I haven't been able to get myself on the right track. I feel myself coming out of it--thank God! I'm making a plan...

Today I went shopping for more note cards. I went to my favorite spot-Papyrus. I was slightly disappointed last time I went there. This time it was great. I found a whole bunch of stuff that made me feel something. That's the way I like it. I even found some beautiful cards that instantly make me think of my mother. Something she will love. I have thoughts of what I will write to her floating around in my head. I know I will work it out. Having the right card helps...seems silly but it's true.

My daughter's not speaking to me again. Everything was great last night. She had an audition with an agent. She was so chatty and excited on the way home and then like the flip of a switch she turned on me. She's barely talking to me again. I don't know how to do this...it sucks.

Yesterday I wrote to a good friend of mine. She is an amazing woman, an attorney with an autistic son and an adopted daughter. She has love, dedication and passion for her son and her family like I have never seen before. She has such a difficult path. I wanted to let her know what an inspiration she is to me and I'm sure so many others.

Today I wrote to my really good friend from back east. She is one of the most soulful women I know. She is filled with wisdom, a quiet grace, endless creativity, a loving, nurturing heart and a very deep spirit. I miss her very much. I told her just how incredible she is and how much I miss her.

Day Thirty Five

Yesterday I was so happy to have lunch with two good friends. One of them I had written to a week or two ago. She called in response to her letter and I just started to cry. They are people who I did an intense 90 day personal growth seminar with, so we have shared a lot of personal information and experiences with each other. She knew I needed some love so we met for lunch. They opened their hearts to me and I was able to pour out a lot of the "yuck" that has been bothering me lately. It felt really good to do that. They are friends that see me down to my core and know all the best of me. I got to reconnect with that. It felt good. I feel myself coming around.

This morning I wrote to the other friend in that pair. She has an amazing quiet strength about her that I am reminded of every time I see her. She also has such great wisdom, a HUGE heart and a very deep soul. Being around her is like being bathed in a calming sea of love.

I am so blessed. I hear myself writing about all of these amazing people I know. Its all true. I have so much love in my life. In this moment I am feeling so very grateful.

Day Thirty Three

Wow, I haven't blogged for 5 days. How did that happen? I've been very busy and the days have been flying by. I've also been working through my rut here. I have a bad habit of not writing and not connecting to people when I feel like crap. It's probably the opposite of what I should be doing. Things are feeling a little bit better now. I've had some realizations about things. I've decided to put all of my energy into making my clients happy and making those ventures as profitable as possible. Part of the reason why I think my new ventures are not working is because I feel so unstable with the rest of my life. Finances are really fragile. That is my main stressor. If I can get myself into a better situation with China and Brazil, I can create the right kind of energy I need to get my other ventures off the ground. That decision feels good, and somewhat of a relief.

Things with my daughter go back and forth. One day things are peachy keen and another she's not speaking to me. It's really hard to "not be speaking" to the only other person you live with in a tiny little house. Ugh...I don't like this at all. Today we're doing well, so I'm grateful for that.

I've been writing my letters each day. I wrote to one of my Uncles, one of my Aunts and a friend back east. I didn't write yesterday, so I'm going to write two today. I just talked to my sister, the mother of my niece who I wrote to the other day, and she told me Jordan got her letter. Jordan read it and asked my mom (who is staying with them right now) , "Is Auntie Cheryl dying?" My mom said no and then she said, "what a strange little letter". When my sister was telling me the story, that's exactly how she told it and it sounded like my mom said that it was a strange little letter. I instantly felt the criticism and disconnect with my mother. It always feels like she doesn't get me and she thinks I'm weird. I know that at the age of 43, I really shouldn't care any more, but I do. In an instant I got all worried and thought how much harder it's going to be to write my mom a letter. How can I get into a place to write a letter to someone who I am already struggling to find the words for, when I know she's going to think that I'm a weirdo? All of this happened in a flash and then Tina clarified and said that Jordan is the one who said it was a strange little letter. Whew! Relief. Overreaction. Unnecessary drama. Even though I'm relieved that my mom didn't say that I can't deny the fact that I've been unable to write a letter to my mom yet.

My sister read Jordan's letter and thought it was really sweet. She also told me that Dave (her husband who is battling liver cancer) got his letter and liked it. I heard from one of my friends who got her letter. She left me a really sweet voice mail saying that the letter came at the perfect time and that she loves me. She said some other nice stuff too. I won't bore you with that! My bud who I wrote to last week also called me saying that what I said in my letter was exactly what he needed to hear, exactly when he needed to hear it. I feel good that I am making a difference out there to the people I love.

I wish I felt better than I do right now. I don't feel like engaging with people. I haven't called any of those friends back. I feel so crappy and I need to cry a lot more than I have. Truthfully I need people to care yet it's hard for me to reach out. I don't like to burden people with my troubles. So here I am creating this world of loneliness for myself where it feels like I'm alone with no one to care when that's not true at all.

Okay, I'm off to write my letters for the day. I think I will write to my friend Jenn, who I saw yesterday for the first time in almost a year. I saw her at a football game. I had chaperoned the cheerleaders to the game and she works at the school we were playing. I called her and she was able to come out and chat for a few minutes. We are both single moms. I met her back east at Paige's old school. She has a daughter in Paige's grade. Her and her daughter had moved out to CA a few years before we did. Anyway, in our quick chat we started talking about the trials and tribulations of raising teenage daughters. It was a great session where I was able to connect and get some validation that this is all normal stuff. Jenn is going through a lot of the same things. I'm not alone! It felt really good to know.

I'm also going to write to my friend Karyn. She's one of my best friends from Jr. High school. We've been friends for over 30 years.

I commit to bogging more consistently.

Day Twenty Eight

It's been a few days since I've blogged. Lots and lots has been going on. Mostly I've been sad. I'm feeling like my life isn't going the way I want it to and I just want to give up. I'm tired of working so hard and I'm tired of feeling like I'm not allowed to feel bad or sad or angry. I feel ugly and mad at myself. I know what I want and sometimes it feels like I'm never going to have it.

Thinking about what I know about gratitude, unless you are happy with what you have first, you really aren't in a state of gratitude. When I realized this, I knew I needed to make some adjustments. The biggest stressor I have right now is my work. I have multiple things going on. My biggest job right now is the Textile Design consulting I am doing with China. They are paying me a salary and there is great potential for royalties. The challenges have been tremendous. The client hired me as a US designer to break into the US market directly without going through a middle man. There a lot of important details that need to be taken care of that they don't understand. They just want to design a bunch of random fabric and sell, sell, sell. The person I communicate with doesn't understand English as well as she thinks, or she uses the communication barrier as a tool to avoid answering my questions. She always comes back with canned answers--VERY frustrating. Besides all of this, I really don't want to design fabric any more. I'm not passionate and inspired by it. What I do know about myself is that to be truly happy I need to be doing something that fully inspires me. I need to feel part of something exciting and meaningful.

Then I just started working with a Brazilian mill as well, doing the same thing, yet completely different products. They don't really compete. Again, there is great potential there but I am just getting started. Again...did I mention I don't really want to design fabric any more?

I've also got this pillow business I am getting off the ground. I design custom screen printed pillows for groups to give as gifts, or mementos. I've been designing them for a middle school graduation gift for 4 years now and keep saying I should start a business. Recently I decided that I was going to put all of my focus there and build this business. I can get all of my passion and energy behind it at times. I've had some recent set-backs and feel somewhat challenged financially, although it wouldn't take much capital to get it off the ground. I really just need a website. Then I get overwhelmed by the uncertainty of having to drum up business constantly. I don't know. I really don't want to think about it right now.

I'm usually very positive, very motivated and clear about what I want. Lately I've just been feeling alone, challenged, uncertain and tired of working so hard. I'm tired of being alone. Tired of having to be strong. I feel like I've had to be strong all my life. Sometimes I just want to know that if I fall apart it will be okay. I feel like I am on this journey alone.

Despite all that, I've been writing my letters. It still feels good to pour out love to someone every day. In the last few days I've written to a friend of mine, a very good buddy whom I love dearly. I also wrote to my niece. She's 15 and she'll probably think I'm a big weird0! I also wrote to a good friend back East whom I miss a lot. I've gotten some responses from some of the letters I've written. My friend Addy texted me again about how much she loves her letter. She says she has it out and she keeps reading it to remind herself to value herself more. It really touched her. Another friend wrote me the nicest email which came at the perfect time. My Aunt also wrote to me and said that my letter made her smile. She told me how much she loves me. I'm getting love back from the universe and it feels good. I feel like it's important for me to get out my negative feelings and acknowledge the sadness so that I can release it and move on.

Today I'm going to write to my sister Tina. I know she's going through a lot and will probably appreciate the love...

Day Twenty Four

I've been traveling for the past two days. I feel overwhelmed. I need to travel again in two days for two more days. As much as I'd like to say that I am floating around peacefully and full of gratitude--I'm not. I am full of stress and worry. I hate that I am feeling this way and I'm conscious that it is my main vibration. I'm worried about money and the clients I am working with. I'm not liking myself too much lately either and I'm taking it out on my body by overeating. I feel like I should be better at shifting my energy than I am. I've done so much work around this. I'm feeling pretty much like a failure.

It's been hard for me to get in the mood to write my letters the past few days, but I have done it anyway. I have three letters going out today. One for my friend here in CA who I love dearly, one for an Aunt and one for my new hairdresser. (I just got my hair cut short and I feel sooooo much better.) That one was any easy one to write!

I feel like I've just got to keep moving forward.

Day Twenty One

I started my day today feeling frustrated that I'm not feeling more peaceful. I'm very stressed every day about my work situation. I'm consulting with a mill in China and the whole set up is less than stable. I focus on the good stuff as much as possible, however it's a challenge to stay there. I'm frustrated with myself, feeling that I should be able to switch and get to a peaceful place...I'm really struggling. I'm traveling this week two times. There is so much going on, I feel overwhelmed. I woke up and acknowledged that I was feeling this way. Then, I got in my car and started off to FIDM for my class. I drove as the sun rose and it was beautiful. I was suddenly filled with a sense of peace and knowing that everything is going to be alright. My day was packed to the gills with errands and appointments. Everything went smoothly and I even got some extra stuff done. It's been a long day...must sleep.

I wrote to my good friend here in CA. She's a really amazing woman. To compare her to WonderWoman would be accurate. She has a very important and stressful job and on top of that is handling some complicated and difficult family issues. She remains cheerful, loving and like a blast of sunshine despite everything she has on her plate. I love her and I'm so grateful to have her in my life.

Day Twenty

I got my first letter today! My old neighbor wrote me a letter in response to mine. She reminisced about what it was like growing up in our neighborhood. It made me smile to read it. She said my letter did her heart good. That made me happy too! Fun is...

Today I wrote to one of my best friends from Rhode Island. I miss her a lot. It was nice to think of her today and send her some love.

Day Nineteen

Yesterday was another crazy day. I didn't get the chance to blog. I have been keeping up with my letters though. On Friday I posted, but forgot to mention that I wrote to a friend whom I used to work with back East. She is a woman who is constantly surprising me with amazing under-takings. I wanted her to know how she inspires me. Yesterday I wrote to one of my Uncles. He is an uncle on my father's side. We aren't very close however he was always very kind to me and my family. I heard through the grapevine that he is facing some physical challenges right now, so I thought a letter might feel good. Today I wrote to my good friend from back home. She's another single mom. We became close the year before I left for CA (it figures). I miss her and I was thinking about her, how crazy her life is and what a big heart she has.

I got some feedback too! My sister Laura returned from her cross country trip with my mother in tow. She called to say she was back and that my letter filled her with warm fuzzies. I remember wishing I had thought to send her a letter that she would get before she left. Now I can see that the Universe is in divine order...as usual!

I also got a text from a friend whom I had written to last week. She loved her card too! Yippee! It feels good to know I'm putting some love out there.

Day Seventeen

I feel pretty darn good today. I have so much going on that feels out of my control. I've surrendered. I'm trusting that the universe knows where I'm going and I also trust that it's somewhere great. Some days I wake up and start moving and just follow my instincts all day as to what I'm supposed to be doing. In some ways it feels scary and in other ways it feels peaceful. I like to think of it as going with the flow.

As I've been writing letters, I've noticed something really great. It's getting easier and easier to connect with the amazing qualities in others. It's not a struggle at all. It's such a great feeling to hold someone in their best light, even if it is only for an intense few minutes. As I re-read the letters, I confirm to myself that everything I've written is true. These people in my life are amazing, fabulous, bright, shiny beings. Even though they are all different, the essence is the same. Pure love.

I've heard that you can only see in others what can be found in yourself. That's a big one to take in. I'm seeing some pretty incredible things in others. Does that mean I am those things too???? If you could see my face right now with raised eyebrows and a look of skepticism, you would understand that this is a hard one for me to take in and truly embrace. On some level I know that I am a fabulous, loving, powerful bright and shiny being who is making a difference in other people's lives. If only I could live like I believe that down to my core. Day after day of seeing it in others is bound to help me see it in myself...at least I hope so!

My sister got her letter yesterday. This is what she wrote to me: Thank you so much for my beautiful "Project Gratitude" letter. I love you more than you can possibly know. Actually, you may know. But I actually love you even more than that! And let me tell you, if everyone you send a letter to feels half as warm and fuzzy as I did when I received the letter, you are onto something pretty powerful. I love you, sis! Keep up the amazing work....great things are coming!

That felt so good to hear! I hope she doesn't mind that I published that. I don't think she will.

Onward ho!

Day Sixteen

Yesterday just whizzed away on me and I was too tired to blog by the time things slowed down. Things are good. I feel like I've sent a lot of love out there into the universe. It feels like too much to keep track of anymore, so I'm not even thinking about who has or hasn't received their gratitude yet. I like it this way. I feel the energy of "unexpected" good things around the corner. It's a great space to be in.

Yesterday I wrote to my beloved friend. A new friend in CA who has just completely blossomed in front of my eyes. She's a spectacle to see and I feel so honored to be able to witness her growth. She is such an inspiration to me.

Tonight I just wrote a letter to my old boss. I was feeling a deep sense of appreciation for her today. I was a judge for a competition at FIDM today. There were hefty scholarships being awarded and the decisions were entrusted to me. I did a little self-evaluating and wondered just how I got here. How did I become this "professional" woman whose opinion and skills are valued by the industry? I thought of the role that my former boss has played in my growth and I felt the urge to tell her. I want her to know that her faith in me, her respect and the guidance she has given me over the last 15 years has been invaluable. I hope I expressed it adequately.

Day Fourteen

Today was a long day filled with lots of good stuff. I'm auditing a class at FIDM (Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising) in LA. I'm going to be an instructor in January. Today, I met with the assistant department head and she told me that I am the front-runner for the two open classes next quarter. That made me happy. It got me back in touch with the fact that I have talents and a lot to offer, even in an intimidating atmosphere...(Yes! I'm intimidated.) I guess I hide it well because I am perceived as confident...go figure! Anyway, as I am auditing the class, I basically need to "be a student". I'm very much in touch with my competitive over-achiever as I take the quizzes and do the homework. I had no idea what I was getting into. It's actually fun, stimulating and a great place to meet some exciting creative people. I'm very grateful for this opportunity and I'm glad that I didn't let intimidation keep me from taking a chance.

So today, my brother commented on his letter. I was a little bummed that he hadn't responded, thinking he must have received his letter almost a week ago. I started to worry that somehow he misinterpreted my letter, in which I talked about his potential, as judgmental or condescending... (things I've been accused of occasionally by siblings). Well, today he texted me a happy little text about it. It made me smile. I love my brother and in case he forgot...I reminded him.

Did I mention that things with my daughter are so much better? Well, they are. Today we went for a photo shoot to get her some head shots. She's looking to get signed by an agent for modeling and acting. It was so much fun. She looked amazing. Her hair was PERFECT! I think we are going to have a hard time deciding on just one pose! We were in sync, I was helpful, she was open...life is goooood!

Today I wrote to another sister...good stuff.

Day Thirteen

I've been thinking hard. I was at the gym today and I thought about the times that I have felt the absolute best. I decided it was the times that I have felt connected and part of the whole. When I remember that we are all "one" and really feel that, it's an amazing feeling. When I look around the gym and see all the "old" people and the "others" that I am judging and ignoring I feel sad. So, I stopped judging and remembered that we are all one. I smiled at people and it felt so much better.

I also realized that my fear of people thinking I'm weird because I'm writing a mushy love/gratitude letter out of the blue goes along with my fear of just being myself. I am consciously working on stepping into my greatness, shining as bright as I can and just being me in all of my glory. If that includes writing love letters to everyone I know, so be it! Let them think I'm weird!

Today I wrote to my friend Melanie. We don't see each other often, but when we do I am filled with HER sunshine. She's so talented and sweet and just...shiny! I love basking in her light.

Day Twelve

I've been thinking about this project. It's bringing up a lot of different emotions. Yesterday I was feeling bad because I had skipped a day and I wasn't really in the mood to write any letters. I was procrastinating and not looking forward to it. I wondered if I was already losing my enthusiasm for this. However, once I went into my bedroom and started to write, I felt so much better. I was glad to get back on the bandwagon.

Today I wrote to my neighbor from childhood. She was the mom in a family that lived across the street from us. She had two boys. One of them became my high school sweetheart and later my fiance. Things didn't work out between her son and me, yet she was (and still is) someone I could call on at any given time for any reason and she would be there for me. As I was writing the letter, the words were coming out perfectly. Still, I worried that she is going to think it's strange to be getting a letter from me, out of the blue, telling her how much she means to me. I actually worry about this with all of my letters. I think people aren't used to random expressions of love and gratitude. I guess I shouldn't worry. So what if they think I'm weird, right?

Day Eleven

Well, I missed a day. I was not feeling well at all yesterday, so I did not write. I felt bad about it even though I gave myself permission to take the day off. And today, I've been putting off writing my letters. I'm not sure what's behind that. I'm giving it some thought.

So tonight I wrote two letters to make up for missing yesterday. I wrote to my brother in law, who is battling liver cancer. He is an amazing guy who just waltzed into my sister's life about 6 years ago. He has been a true Godsend. I wanted him to know how lucky we all are to have him in our lives. The way that he has come in and allowed himself to be embraced by our "mostly crazy" family has been so rewarding. He loves my sister's children as his own and they consider him their father. He's a great guy. I hope he hangs around for a lot longer.

I also wrote to one of my very favorite cousins. It's her wedding day today. I was unable to go to her wedding (boo!) and I've been thinking about her all day. I'm about 15 years older than her, so I remember how much I loved her when she was born. Now I love her even more as she has grown into a really special adult! I miss her a lot. She moved to Hawaii and I moved to LA, so we have not spent much time together lately. I was happy to tell her how much I love her.

Yesterday, when I was sick, I got a big hug from my friend Anne at the bus stop when I was picking up my daughter. She loved her card...

Day Nine

Today I am feeling very much under the weather. I'm achy all over and have a big head cold and no voice. I thought about skipping my letter today and then decided that it was really important to write one every day. I decided to write my daughter another little love note. This one is much lighter. We're in a better place than we were last week. I'm going to leave it on her bed so she gets it before bed time. I feel good that I made the effort, although a little part of me feels like I cheated...just that crazy perfectionist that lives inside of me! Time to chill and get better.

Day Eight

Aaaaahhhhh....I feel good. My gratitude has started to reach its final destinations. My Aunt emailed me and told me that my grandmother was very happy to get my letter. Just knowing that it made her happy makes me happy! Then my local friend emailed me telling me how much she loved her letter. She told me that she was amazed at how much love I always have to give. That feels good to hear too! Then my friend from the East Coast texted me this morning telling me that I made her cry. She was very touched. Mission accomplished. I just want people to know how much they are loved and valued by me.

I have to say that it feels really good to pour out the love. It feels good to know that it makes others happy. I've been a little bit crazed the past few days and I'm feeling sick too, but writing the letters has been a highlight of my day. Committing to send love out into the world feels good. Taking the time to think of a specific person and what they mean to me is creating a sense of gratitude that I haven't experienced before. It's only been a week and I feel so rich! I can only imagine how great I'm going to feel in a month, six months, a year!

Today I wrote to my friend Anne. I moved to California last summer and I met her at the school bus stop on the first day of school. We hit it off immediately. We start talking and before you know it 30 minutes has gone by and we have to tear ourselves away. She's such a fun, loving, generous, spiritual being. I feel lucky to have connected with her so quickly. It's been a year now and I know she is someone I will always want in my life.

Day Seven

Today I'm feeling a little bit run-down. I am staring a head cold in the face and I'm determined to win!

REALLY great things are happening for me. I feel like I am going in a hundred different directions all at the same time. I've got so many balls in the air. I just put the finishing touches on my book, "Get Your Gratitude On!" and I'm going to meet with a graphic person tomorrow to talk about getting it printed. That's pretty exciting. On Tuesday mornings I audit a textile class at FIDM (Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising) in LA. I'm going to be an instructor in January. I have to audit the class before I can teach it. It's a big investment of time; however I think it will be worth it. I love the energy there. I'm meeting some cool people and I love fashion and textiles, so it's perfect! I met with the school store manager this morning to talk to her about a pillow idea from my company---Pillow Panache. I'm all inspired to create something for them. On Sunday I got a call from a Facebook friend because I put out a cry for help on my website. She ended up being this completely selfless, dynamic and awesome woman. She ended up having an amazing contact for me regarding a pillow customer as well! A really big deal if (WHEN!) it pans out.

My focus right now is to build my pillow business. My main income is coming from consulting as a Textile Designer for various domestic and international clients. I'm also working on two books. And I'm going to be teaching....see what I mean? I feel like I'm swirling yet it feels like a peaceful swirl. I've surrendered to the Universe. It knows what's best for me and it also knows the path for me to step into my true greatness. I'm taking one step at a time and going with the flow. I know this swirl is going to calm and I will land in the perfect place.

I am feeling filled with gratitude. I've been writing letters for a week now. They are starting to feel like love letters. Do you know how good it feels to LOVE? Soooooo good!

Today I wrote to a friend from back east. I was thinking about her grace, her calm strength and her loving heart. I wanted to shower her with love. I hope she feels loved when she reads it.

Day Six

Today I didn't have to think too hard. The little turtle was calling to me. I had to write to my sister. She's leaving for a big trip back east and I don't think she'll get it before she leaves. Oh well...gratitude will be waiting for her when she gets back!

I'm feeling a little bit rushed today. I have a lot to do. I'll write more soon...

Day Five

Today I'm at Starbuck's enjoying a cup of coffee, keeping myself busy while my daughter is at her acting class in Hollywood. I've got four hours...and lots to do. Finish the revisions on my book, work on my website, work on some pillow designs...

What I most want to do is write another letter. I bought a card yesterday that says, "You are so much sunshine to the square inch". This card resonates with me for a few reasons. The biggest one is that last fall I played a 90-day game called PLD. It's a personal growth seminar/game where you set goals in four areas of your life (health, wealth, spiritual, and relationships) and you CREATE the life you want with the support of a team and coaches. It's a 90 day thrill ride completely worth taking! Anyway, I had a team of 14 and we were very tight (still are). My nickname was Sister Mary Sunshine...At first I was embarrassed. Shining is something I've worked hard at repressing. In my life it hasn't felt okay to shine. Through the process of PLD and with the love and support of my team, I have learned to except and embrace my shininess. It was really the first time I ever felt like it was safe to shine. I'm still in the process of learning how to shine freely. So...that card called to me.

The other reason it resonated was that I know others who are gigantic rays of sunshine. I had someone in mind when I bought it, however in the moment of writing it shifted to someone else. Someone who constantly amazes me with her energy, spirit, courage, determination and pure goodness. I wanted her to know how much she inspires me. She reminds me that it's important for me to shine. It's not about me reaching my goals or being great. It's about who I can inspire along the way. We don't need permission to shine; however I like having people in my life to remind me to do it!

Fourth Letter

I definitely feel the effects of this project. I am thinking about the people in my life all of the time and wondering what nice things I can say about them. I think that is a good place to be! I've got a couple of followers--yippee! That's unexpected fun. I hope that I will be able to reach a lot of people and spread some of the "good stuff".

Today I went to shop for stationery. I was a little bit disappointed, not finding something that blew me away. I wish I didn't have such high expectations all of the time. I guess it's the designer in me. I like things to be visually pleasing and evoke emotion. Is that so wrong? I found some cute note cards and got them. One had a turtle on it. One of my sister's loves turtles. It made me think of how she will smile when she opens the card with the cute turtle swimming in the sun with a tiny bird on his back. She'll love it. Anyway, it's not her turn today. I felt like writing to my brother. I think he thinks I think I am better than him. Know what I mean??? It's not true. I love my brother. Sometimes when people you love are struggling, you want so much more for them. When I talk to him I like to give him ideas and inspire him to go for what he wants in life. I think he interprets my advice as lectures or judgments. They're not intended to be that way. My brother is a really great guy. He has much to offer the world. I wanted him to know that.

Third Letter

Today is a little bit rough. I'm feeling very raw. My daughter and I are still fighting. I guess 15 year olds are supposed to hate their mothers???? I guess that's the rule for a reason...more opportunity for growth! Sometimes I just hate growth...

So, today I'm feeling somewhat sad. Sad that I don't know the answers. I don't know how to make everything okay. I had an appointment this morning and as I was driving I thought about my own mother and how hard it must have been for her to be a single mom with no money, raising 5 hungry, whiney, needy (but damn cute) kids. I started to empathize with what she must have gone through. I think of myself as a very different kind of mother than my own. As I was driving, I thought of the similarities. How she was doing the best she knew how and maybe that wasn't enough for me. How I was still sad or angry despite her best efforts. What more can we ask of someone than their best efforts? I thought maybe it's my mother's turn for a letter today...

So, I searched through my stationery, not happy with the selection. Nothing was really suitable for my mother. I'm kind of a stationery snob and things have to be "just so". I settled on a card with a photo of the Eiffel Tower in a lightening storm. Not quite right, but it would have to do since I felt this rare connection and kinship to my mom and had to get it on paper as soon as possible. So, I lit my candle, put on my music and started to write. As I was writing, it wasn't feeling quite right. I wasn't feeling the love. I wasn't honoring my mother in all of her greatness. It was more of a report on the connection I discovered. Not good enough. She deserves more. Today is not the day for my mother.

I had a great conversation earlier with a dear friend. She's truly amazing. We've been friends for over 30 years. I wrote her a letter filled with the wonder of who she is. It felt good, right and worthy. Aaaaahhhh......

letter two

I just wrote my second letter. I wasn't sure who to write to at first. I sat quietly for a few minutes and let people come to mind. Suddenly my grandmother popped into my head. My grandmother is 98 ( I think). She has a full head of super-white hair and is a rock. I do not have much of a relationship with my grandmother. It's not something I spend a lot of time thinking about. My parents were divorced when I was 8 and building relationships with his side of the family was difficult. Anyway, I think about her...old and lonely. Sitting...waiting to die. I don't think she's very happy.

As I was writing I told her that I regretted not knowing her better and not making the effort to have a relationship. I can only imagine the stories she must have locked up inside of her. I cried thinking about what will be lost when she leaves this earth. Then I asked her if she would write to me. It's never too late. I hope that she will. I will cherish anything that she is willing to share.

Day Two

Well, a funny thing happened...while I was writing my letter of love to my daughter, she was busy writing a hate letter to me. I mentioned that we are in the middle of a fight. Part of her punishment was to write a list of 20 things that I do for her. I wanted to shift her into a state of gratitude. Clearly, that backfired on me. When I went to bed I placed her card on her desk so that she would get it in the morning and happily went to bed. When I got into my room there was a list of reasons why she hates me and why I'm a terrible mother. It was very hurtful and quite a contrast to the love I poured out to her. I cried myself to sleep.

I'm really glad that I wrote my letter when I did. I don't know if I could have written from such a pure place if I had read her hate mail first. I'm worried that she isn't in the space to receive my words right now. I'm letting go. My intention isn't to force things to happen, just to put the love and gratitude out into the world.

My first letter...

Well, I just wrote my first letter. I lit a candle, put on some soft music and centered into a loving state, focusing on my daughter. As I started to write, the tears started to flow. I didn't have to think about what I needed to say. The words just came. I hope what I wrote is what she needs to hear. It felt really good.

Day One

October 13, 2010

I'm writing a book about gratitude. It's called, Get Your Gratitude On! It's a short book with 12 different ways to get into the state of gratitude. I think that gratitude is one of the most powerful states of "being". The vibration of gratitude is in the same realm as pure love. When we are feeling gratitude for what we have, when we are conscious of all of the wonders in our lives that we take for granted, and when we have gratitude for everything yet to come we are sending out vibrations that will attract back all the good that we want in our lives. It's definitely a state of being to strive for.

I've been wanting to feel more grateful on a regular basis. I'm practicing the techniques in my book. One of the suggested techniques is to write a letter to someone in your life every week, telling them how much you love them, how much they mean to you or what a difference they have made in your life. I've been thinking of doing this for years and have never actually started. I always get excited when I think about it. I think about how good it will feel to tell the people I love how much they mean to me. I think about how good it will feel for the recipient to open the letter and read loving thoughts about themselves. I know it would be a positive experience all around. I've stopped myself for silly reasons like, "I should wait until the first of the year to start." Or, "Shoot, it's January 17th and I haven't started yet...oops!" And there's the basic procrastination...

Suddenly, I am struck with a brilliant and inspiring idea. I want to write a letter of gratitude every single day for a year. I want to be in the space of truly honoring the good in the people in my life and letting them know that their existence is a gift to me and to the world. I want to journal about the experience. I want to see what will happen. My intention is to make people happy and create the vibration of living in gratitude. If I can inspire someone along the way to join in...all the better! Gratitude rippling through the universe...I LOVE IT!

So, I'm starting right now. I didn't know who I was going to start with until just this minute. I'm starting with my daughter. We had a really big fight this morning. She's shut off in her room right now, not speaking to me. Sitting here, I am overwhelmed with a feeling of love for her and I want to find just the right words to tell her how much she means to me. I'll let you know how it goes!