Thinking about what I know about gratitude, unless you are happy with what you have first, you really aren't in a state of gratitude. When I realized this, I knew I needed to make some adjustments. The biggest stressor I have right now is my work. I have multiple things going on. My biggest job right now is the Textile Design consulting I am doing with China. They are paying me a salary and there is great potential for royalties. The challenges have been tremendous. The client hired me as a US designer to break into the US market directly without going through a middle man. There a lot of important details that need to be taken care of that they don't understand. They just want to design a bunch of random fabric and sell, sell, sell. The person I communicate with doesn't understand English as well as she thinks, or she uses the communication barrier as a tool to avoid answering my questions. She always comes back with canned answers--VERY frustrating. Besides all of this, I really don't want to design fabric any more. I'm not passionate and inspired by it. What I do know about myself is that to be truly happy I need to be doing something that fully inspires me. I need to feel part of something exciting and meaningful.
Then I just started working with a Brazilian mill as well, doing the same thing, yet completely different products. They don't really compete. Again, there is great potential there but I am just getting started. Again...did I mention I don't really want to design fabric any more?
I've also got this pillow business I am getting off the ground. I design custom screen printed pillows for groups to give as gifts, or mementos. I've been designing them for a middle school graduation gift for 4 years now and keep saying I should start a business. Recently I decided that I was going to put all of my focus there and build this business. I can get all of my passion and energy behind it at times. I've had some recent set-backs and feel somewhat challenged financially, although it wouldn't take much capital to get it off the ground. I really just need a website. Then I get overwhelmed by the uncertainty of having to drum up business constantly. I don't know. I really don't want to think about it right now.
I'm usually very positive, very motivated and clear about what I want. Lately I've just been feeling alone, challenged, uncertain and tired of working so hard. I'm tired of being alone. Tired of having to be strong. I feel like I've had to be strong all my life. Sometimes I just want to know that if I fall apart it will be okay. I feel like I am on this journey alone.
Despite all that, I've been writing my letters. It still feels good to pour out love to someone every day. In the last few days I've written to a friend of mine, a very good buddy whom I love dearly. I also wrote to my niece. She's 15 and she'll probably think I'm a big weird0! I also wrote to a good friend back East whom I miss a lot. I've gotten some responses from some of the letters I've written. My friend Addy texted me again about how much she loves her letter. She says she has it out and she keeps reading it to remind herself to value herself more. It really touched her. Another friend wrote me the nicest email which came at the perfect time. My Aunt also wrote to me and said that my letter made her smile. She told me how much she loves me. I'm getting love back from the universe and it feels good. I feel like it's important for me to get out my negative feelings and acknowledge the sadness so that I can release it and move on.
Today I'm going to write to my sister Tina. I know she's going through a lot and will probably appreciate the love...
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