Things with my daughter go back and forth. One day things are peachy keen and another she's not speaking to me. It's really hard to "not be speaking" to the only other person you live with in a tiny little house. Ugh...I don't like this at all. Today we're doing well, so I'm grateful for that.
I've been writing my letters each day. I wrote to one of my Uncles, one of my Aunts and a friend back east. I didn't write yesterday, so I'm going to write two today. I just talked to my sister, the mother of my niece who I wrote to the other day, and she told me Jordan got her letter. Jordan read it and asked my mom (who is staying with them right now) , "Is Auntie Cheryl dying?" My mom said no and then she said, "what a strange little letter". When my sister was telling me the story, that's exactly how she told it and it sounded like my mom said that it was a strange little letter. I instantly felt the criticism and disconnect with my mother. It always feels like she doesn't get me and she thinks I'm weird. I know that at the age of 43, I really shouldn't care any more, but I do. In an instant I got all worried and thought how much harder it's going to be to write my mom a letter. How can I get into a place to write a letter to someone who I am already struggling to find the words for, when I know she's going to think that I'm a weirdo? All of this happened in a flash and then Tina clarified and said that Jordan is the one who said it was a strange little letter. Whew! Relief. Overreaction. Unnecessary drama. Even though I'm relieved that my mom didn't say that I can't deny the fact that I've been unable to write a letter to my mom yet.
My sister read Jordan's letter and thought it was really sweet. She also told me that Dave (her husband who is battling liver cancer) got his letter and liked it. I heard from one of my friends who got her letter. She left me a really sweet voice mail saying that the letter came at the perfect time and that she loves me. She said some other nice stuff too. I won't bore you with that! My bud who I wrote to last week also called me saying that what I said in my letter was exactly what he needed to hear, exactly when he needed to hear it. I feel good that I am making a difference out there to the people I love.
I wish I felt better than I do right now. I don't feel like engaging with people. I haven't called any of those friends back. I feel so crappy and I need to cry a lot more than I have. Truthfully I need people to care yet it's hard for me to reach out. I don't like to burden people with my troubles. So here I am creating this world of loneliness for myself where it feels like I'm alone with no one to care when that's not true at all.
Okay, I'm off to write my letters for the day. I think I will write to my friend Jenn, who I saw yesterday for the first time in almost a year. I saw her at a football game. I had chaperoned the cheerleaders to the game and she works at the school we were playing. I called her and she was able to come out and chat for a few minutes. We are both single moms. I met her back east at Paige's old school. She has a daughter in Paige's grade. Her and her daughter had moved out to CA a few years before we did. Anyway, in our quick chat we started talking about the trials and tribulations of raising teenage daughters. It was a great session where I was able to connect and get some validation that this is all normal stuff. Jenn is going through a lot of the same things. I'm not alone! It felt really good to know.
I'm also going to write to my friend Karyn. She's one of my best friends from Jr. High school. We've been friends for over 30 years.
I commit to bogging more consistently.
No comments:
Post a Comment