Day Forty Nine

Well...I just got the BEST phone call from my friend Melanie. I sent her a card a few weeks ago. Melanie is an amazingly talented singer and actress. She's beautiful and vibrant and she just glows. I love being around her. Anyway... I sent her letter and was a little nervous about it. I actually texted her for her address and she was excited for "whatever I was sending". I was nervous that she would think it was weird. We are connected on a spiritual level but we haven't spent that much time together. I was worried she would think I was hitting on her or something. I know, it's silly. Then I didn't hear from her for weeks. I thought it was unlike her not to respond at all. So, today she calls me and starts off saying that she has had my card in her car since she received it and wanted to wait long enough to tell me just how much the card means to her on a daily basis. She is so funny. She loves it. She's traveling around town with it. It makes her smile and it makes her happy. I am SO happy right now!

I consider myself a very positive person, yet I continually think the worst in this little experiment. I wonder why that is.

Day Forty Eight

Whew! I feel relieved. I was all caught up in my weekend and hadn't written for 4 days! So, I just played catch up. I'm so glad I went ahead and wrote two on Tuesday last week in anticipation of a busy weekend.

First, I want to talk about the feedback I've been getting. I got a very sweet note from my friend Karyn. She appreciated her card a lot. They always seem to come at "just the right time" as I'm discovering. My aunt from Massachusetts wrote me a letter in response to mine. She is sweet and humble and deflected her greatness all over the place. She loved hearing from me and wants to keep writing. Yesterday I got a call from my local friend who LOVED his card. We have a special bond and I love knowing that I can make him smile. Today I received an email from my friend Eli, here in CA. She is an amazing woman who faces so many challenges every single day. I honestly don't know how she does it. She loved her card too. I hope my words can give her strength and remind her just how spectacular she is.

So, I sat down this morning to get "caught up" on my love-fest of gratitude. First I wrote to my friend who moved away to Arkansas last December. I stumbled across a little Valentine note she sent me last year and decided to shower her with some love.

Then I wrote to my dad's old boyfriend. My dad passed away about 12 years ago. James was his partner at the time and nursed my dad through lung cancer. He is a man with a heart of gold. He plays the role of caretaker quite often. I wanted him to know what a difference he makes in this world.

I followed that by writing to my friend who lives in Pennsylvania. We've been friends since college. She's a talented, loving person who doesn't always see how amazing she is. She has 3 precious daughters and is a wonderful wife and mother. I know she will appreciated the reminder of how special she is. It made me cry to write hers. Maybe I see a little of myself in her...the part who doesn't always see or feel her amazingness!

Then...I did it! I wrote to my mom! I took out my most beautiful card and just started writing. It really helped knowing that my mom sees how others are loving their cards. My aunt from the other day called my mom to talk and of course she mentioned the "nicest card" she ever received. I was still nervous. Sometimes I fear my mom is jaded and won't take the card at face value. It was tricky to write, but I did it. I can hardly express the relief I feel. Perhaps another occasion will present itself as the year goes on. I've still got over 300 letters to write! Yikes!

I was dreading writing my letters today, feeling overwhelmed and berating myself for not keeping up. Once I started writing it all faded away. It feels amazing to hold someone in their best light and shower them with love. It really does.

Day Forty Four

It's Thanksgiving Day. I am in Arizona with my family, having a great time. We got into the discussion of the cards everyone has been receiving. My mom even made a few comments about wanting one. That made me feel good. I'm glad she wants one and doesn't think it's silly. She's hearing everyone else talk about how much they liked theirs. I am feeling very much in a state of gratitude today and it feels good.

It's still day forty two. I'm sitting here, preparing for my trip and I had the urge to write some letters. I know that part of the point is to get into the space of love and gratitude each and every day. I know I will be in that space with my family and I know it will also be complete chaos. So, since the mood struck, I just wrote two letters. I'm still on a high because of the call from my Aunt.

So, I decided to write to a colleague of mine. He's a great guy who I have known for almost 12 years now. He's helped me with the software that I use to design with. Professionally he is fantastic. He's very intelligent, funny, supportive and helpful. Personally he is fun, kind, thoughtful and just an all around nice guy. I hope he doesn't think I'm weird...here I go again! Oh. That's right. I don't care...I'm just sending out the love.

Then I wrote to another one of my very special aunts. I think I mentioned the beautiful floral stationery that I bought recently--well I just broke it out for her. It is really, really pretty. Super feminine colors and nice thick card stock. It got me in the loving mode right away. She was very easy to write to. I feel loved unconditionally by her. Really, really loved. I hope she feels the love when she reads my card.

Day Forty Two

I just got the best phone call from my Aunt. She's the one I wrote to the other day. She was so happy to receive her letter. She said it was the nicest letter she's ever received. It almost made me cry. She asked me what brought this on...I told her about project gratitude. She loved the whole idea. It felt good that she was open to my love and let herself bask in it. It makes me happy on the inside.

Today I wrote to my good friend who just met the love of his life and got married! Shocked us all. He has been an inspiration to me as I've witnessed his journey of personal growth. I wanted to tell him how awesome he is and how lucky his wife is.

Yesterday I wrote to a different friend. Someone who I love to pieces for no good reason other than he "is". He's a cool guy and I feel seen and loved when I'm around him. He's married to an equally amazing woman who I love just as much! I've already written to her.

I'm leaving for Arizona tomorrow and will be gone all weekend. I'm committed to writing my letters, I'm just not sure if I will write them daily. I might write one or two through the weekend and make up the difference when I get back. I'm going to be conscious of my state of gratitude throughout the weekend with my family.

Day Forty

Wow! I can hardly believe that I've been doing this for forty days! Essentially I've written 40 love letters. I've gotten some great feedback lately that makes it all worth while. My old colleague, Rose, received her letter the other day. She called me and told me how much she loved it. She said that she could hardly read it because she was shedding so many tears. That makes me feel so good. I like having the ability to express my love and gratitude for people so that they really feel it.

Today I received an email from my good friend, who just happens to be my sister's girlfriend. I love her dearly. I know she's following my blog. It's funny because she received my letter and didn't know it was a gratitude letter. She thought it was an invitation or something. It was a very touching surprise to her when she realized that she was my "pick of the day!" She went on to read the letter, thinking she was reading about some other incredible woman. She was happy when she took it all in and realized it was about her. Both she and Rose are going to keep their letters to remind themselves just how amazing they are. Mission accomplished!

Yesterday I wrote to a very creative artist friend who I used to work with. She is a bright, happy, super creative woman with a beautiful young son and an amazing husband. She has created a special life for herself and I am always inspired by her. I also wrote to my Aunt. She's a very unique, feisty, grounded woman who has been a solid support for me and my family all of my life. Recently I've been working on staying centered. I know how powerful and important it is to stay grounded in what I believe in and want for myself and to act accordingly. As I was writing to her, I realized that being strong and centered is a quality I've been drawn to in her without even knowing it! As I was writing it was the first thing I mentioned and as I continued it was clear that it was her most powerful gift. It's nice to have a living breathing example of what you want to emulate in your own life.

Today I wrote to a good friend here in CA. Actually, she is my sister's best friend. I've known her through my sister over the past 10 years or more. She just returned from a volunteer mission in Romania, where she bestowed unconditional love on a group of infants and toddlers in a clinic there. I read her email describing her journey and I was so moved. I had to let her know just how inspiring and spectacular she is!

I'm realizing that I know some pretty amazing people. I truly have so much to be grateful for.

Day Thirty Eight

I'm having a tough time with this. Yesterday I panicked that I am running out of people. That's ridiculous, of course. I have a huge family and lots of friends and a whole lot of people yet to meet. I'm worried about expressing love to people. I'm worried about the things they will think of me. I'm worried that I won't make a difference. I'm worried that I have to take it down a notch. Here we go with diminishing myself so that other people won't be uncomfortable. Aaaaah!

Yesterday ran away with me and I didn't write a letter. So today I wrote two. I wrote to my old college roommate who is the single mother of two adopted children with special needs. We hadn't really kept in touch until I moved to CA, where she lives. Whenever I got the update on her life and fully comprehended what she goes through on a daily basis, I was speechless. Speechless and so grateful that I do not have the same challenges. So, I wrote to her and told her how amazing she is. I hope she takes the time to acknowledge just how incredible and how lucky her children are to have her.

I also wrote to my good friend here in CA. She is a very special person, committed to taking herself on every day. I admire her courage and heart.

Day Thirty Six

Today was a good day. I went to my class at FIDM. I feel so good when I'm there. I'm inspired by the material in class. I really like the woman who is training me. She is the assistant chair of the Textile Science department. She is a GREAT teacher and has set the bar really high for me. I like to be challenged. She took to me instantly and thinks I am a great fit for the school. I love her style. I am a student auditing the class right now and I am excelling. (As I should be, since I've been in the textile business for 20 years!) It feels good to excel and to be embraced for being strong and intelligent. I don't feel like I need to shrink around her. I love it! I've also challenged her a bit with some of the material. I don't think she has faced that too often.

Things are looking up with China too. The salesman is currently there, smoothing out some rough spots and singing my praises. I feel much better than I had been feeling about things. I've also gotten some designs started with Brazil.

I've been in a real slump with my personal stuff. Very much out of alignment with food and eating. I haven't been able to get myself on the right track. I feel myself coming out of it--thank God! I'm making a plan...

Today I went shopping for more note cards. I went to my favorite spot-Papyrus. I was slightly disappointed last time I went there. This time it was great. I found a whole bunch of stuff that made me feel something. That's the way I like it. I even found some beautiful cards that instantly make me think of my mother. Something she will love. I have thoughts of what I will write to her floating around in my head. I know I will work it out. Having the right card helps...seems silly but it's true.

My daughter's not speaking to me again. Everything was great last night. She had an audition with an agent. She was so chatty and excited on the way home and then like the flip of a switch she turned on me. She's barely talking to me again. I don't know how to do this...it sucks.

Yesterday I wrote to a good friend of mine. She is an amazing woman, an attorney with an autistic son and an adopted daughter. She has love, dedication and passion for her son and her family like I have never seen before. She has such a difficult path. I wanted to let her know what an inspiration she is to me and I'm sure so many others.

Today I wrote to my really good friend from back east. She is one of the most soulful women I know. She is filled with wisdom, a quiet grace, endless creativity, a loving, nurturing heart and a very deep spirit. I miss her very much. I told her just how incredible she is and how much I miss her.

Day Thirty Five

Yesterday I was so happy to have lunch with two good friends. One of them I had written to a week or two ago. She called in response to her letter and I just started to cry. They are people who I did an intense 90 day personal growth seminar with, so we have shared a lot of personal information and experiences with each other. She knew I needed some love so we met for lunch. They opened their hearts to me and I was able to pour out a lot of the "yuck" that has been bothering me lately. It felt really good to do that. They are friends that see me down to my core and know all the best of me. I got to reconnect with that. It felt good. I feel myself coming around.

This morning I wrote to the other friend in that pair. She has an amazing quiet strength about her that I am reminded of every time I see her. She also has such great wisdom, a HUGE heart and a very deep soul. Being around her is like being bathed in a calming sea of love.

I am so blessed. I hear myself writing about all of these amazing people I know. Its all true. I have so much love in my life. In this moment I am feeling so very grateful.

Day Thirty Three

Wow, I haven't blogged for 5 days. How did that happen? I've been very busy and the days have been flying by. I've also been working through my rut here. I have a bad habit of not writing and not connecting to people when I feel like crap. It's probably the opposite of what I should be doing. Things are feeling a little bit better now. I've had some realizations about things. I've decided to put all of my energy into making my clients happy and making those ventures as profitable as possible. Part of the reason why I think my new ventures are not working is because I feel so unstable with the rest of my life. Finances are really fragile. That is my main stressor. If I can get myself into a better situation with China and Brazil, I can create the right kind of energy I need to get my other ventures off the ground. That decision feels good, and somewhat of a relief.

Things with my daughter go back and forth. One day things are peachy keen and another she's not speaking to me. It's really hard to "not be speaking" to the only other person you live with in a tiny little house. Ugh...I don't like this at all. Today we're doing well, so I'm grateful for that.

I've been writing my letters each day. I wrote to one of my Uncles, one of my Aunts and a friend back east. I didn't write yesterday, so I'm going to write two today. I just talked to my sister, the mother of my niece who I wrote to the other day, and she told me Jordan got her letter. Jordan read it and asked my mom (who is staying with them right now) , "Is Auntie Cheryl dying?" My mom said no and then she said, "what a strange little letter". When my sister was telling me the story, that's exactly how she told it and it sounded like my mom said that it was a strange little letter. I instantly felt the criticism and disconnect with my mother. It always feels like she doesn't get me and she thinks I'm weird. I know that at the age of 43, I really shouldn't care any more, but I do. In an instant I got all worried and thought how much harder it's going to be to write my mom a letter. How can I get into a place to write a letter to someone who I am already struggling to find the words for, when I know she's going to think that I'm a weirdo? All of this happened in a flash and then Tina clarified and said that Jordan is the one who said it was a strange little letter. Whew! Relief. Overreaction. Unnecessary drama. Even though I'm relieved that my mom didn't say that I can't deny the fact that I've been unable to write a letter to my mom yet.

My sister read Jordan's letter and thought it was really sweet. She also told me that Dave (her husband who is battling liver cancer) got his letter and liked it. I heard from one of my friends who got her letter. She left me a really sweet voice mail saying that the letter came at the perfect time and that she loves me. She said some other nice stuff too. I won't bore you with that! My bud who I wrote to last week also called me saying that what I said in my letter was exactly what he needed to hear, exactly when he needed to hear it. I feel good that I am making a difference out there to the people I love.

I wish I felt better than I do right now. I don't feel like engaging with people. I haven't called any of those friends back. I feel so crappy and I need to cry a lot more than I have. Truthfully I need people to care yet it's hard for me to reach out. I don't like to burden people with my troubles. So here I am creating this world of loneliness for myself where it feels like I'm alone with no one to care when that's not true at all.

Okay, I'm off to write my letters for the day. I think I will write to my friend Jenn, who I saw yesterday for the first time in almost a year. I saw her at a football game. I had chaperoned the cheerleaders to the game and she works at the school we were playing. I called her and she was able to come out and chat for a few minutes. We are both single moms. I met her back east at Paige's old school. She has a daughter in Paige's grade. Her and her daughter had moved out to CA a few years before we did. Anyway, in our quick chat we started talking about the trials and tribulations of raising teenage daughters. It was a great session where I was able to connect and get some validation that this is all normal stuff. Jenn is going through a lot of the same things. I'm not alone! It felt really good to know.

I'm also going to write to my friend Karyn. She's one of my best friends from Jr. High school. We've been friends for over 30 years.

I commit to bogging more consistently.

Day Twenty Eight

It's been a few days since I've blogged. Lots and lots has been going on. Mostly I've been sad. I'm feeling like my life isn't going the way I want it to and I just want to give up. I'm tired of working so hard and I'm tired of feeling like I'm not allowed to feel bad or sad or angry. I feel ugly and mad at myself. I know what I want and sometimes it feels like I'm never going to have it.

Thinking about what I know about gratitude, unless you are happy with what you have first, you really aren't in a state of gratitude. When I realized this, I knew I needed to make some adjustments. The biggest stressor I have right now is my work. I have multiple things going on. My biggest job right now is the Textile Design consulting I am doing with China. They are paying me a salary and there is great potential for royalties. The challenges have been tremendous. The client hired me as a US designer to break into the US market directly without going through a middle man. There a lot of important details that need to be taken care of that they don't understand. They just want to design a bunch of random fabric and sell, sell, sell. The person I communicate with doesn't understand English as well as she thinks, or she uses the communication barrier as a tool to avoid answering my questions. She always comes back with canned answers--VERY frustrating. Besides all of this, I really don't want to design fabric any more. I'm not passionate and inspired by it. What I do know about myself is that to be truly happy I need to be doing something that fully inspires me. I need to feel part of something exciting and meaningful.

Then I just started working with a Brazilian mill as well, doing the same thing, yet completely different products. They don't really compete. Again, there is great potential there but I am just getting started. Again...did I mention I don't really want to design fabric any more?

I've also got this pillow business I am getting off the ground. I design custom screen printed pillows for groups to give as gifts, or mementos. I've been designing them for a middle school graduation gift for 4 years now and keep saying I should start a business. Recently I decided that I was going to put all of my focus there and build this business. I can get all of my passion and energy behind it at times. I've had some recent set-backs and feel somewhat challenged financially, although it wouldn't take much capital to get it off the ground. I really just need a website. Then I get overwhelmed by the uncertainty of having to drum up business constantly. I don't know. I really don't want to think about it right now.

I'm usually very positive, very motivated and clear about what I want. Lately I've just been feeling alone, challenged, uncertain and tired of working so hard. I'm tired of being alone. Tired of having to be strong. I feel like I've had to be strong all my life. Sometimes I just want to know that if I fall apart it will be okay. I feel like I am on this journey alone.

Despite all that, I've been writing my letters. It still feels good to pour out love to someone every day. In the last few days I've written to a friend of mine, a very good buddy whom I love dearly. I also wrote to my niece. She's 15 and she'll probably think I'm a big weird0! I also wrote to a good friend back East whom I miss a lot. I've gotten some responses from some of the letters I've written. My friend Addy texted me again about how much she loves her letter. She says she has it out and she keeps reading it to remind herself to value herself more. It really touched her. Another friend wrote me the nicest email which came at the perfect time. My Aunt also wrote to me and said that my letter made her smile. She told me how much she loves me. I'm getting love back from the universe and it feels good. I feel like it's important for me to get out my negative feelings and acknowledge the sadness so that I can release it and move on.

Today I'm going to write to my sister Tina. I know she's going through a lot and will probably appreciate the love...

Day Twenty Four

I've been traveling for the past two days. I feel overwhelmed. I need to travel again in two days for two more days. As much as I'd like to say that I am floating around peacefully and full of gratitude--I'm not. I am full of stress and worry. I hate that I am feeling this way and I'm conscious that it is my main vibration. I'm worried about money and the clients I am working with. I'm not liking myself too much lately either and I'm taking it out on my body by overeating. I feel like I should be better at shifting my energy than I am. I've done so much work around this. I'm feeling pretty much like a failure.

It's been hard for me to get in the mood to write my letters the past few days, but I have done it anyway. I have three letters going out today. One for my friend here in CA who I love dearly, one for an Aunt and one for my new hairdresser. (I just got my hair cut short and I feel sooooo much better.) That one was any easy one to write!

I feel like I've just got to keep moving forward.

Day Twenty One

I started my day today feeling frustrated that I'm not feeling more peaceful. I'm very stressed every day about my work situation. I'm consulting with a mill in China and the whole set up is less than stable. I focus on the good stuff as much as possible, however it's a challenge to stay there. I'm frustrated with myself, feeling that I should be able to switch and get to a peaceful place...I'm really struggling. I'm traveling this week two times. There is so much going on, I feel overwhelmed. I woke up and acknowledged that I was feeling this way. Then, I got in my car and started off to FIDM for my class. I drove as the sun rose and it was beautiful. I was suddenly filled with a sense of peace and knowing that everything is going to be alright. My day was packed to the gills with errands and appointments. Everything went smoothly and I even got some extra stuff done. It's been a long day...must sleep.

I wrote to my good friend here in CA. She's a really amazing woman. To compare her to WonderWoman would be accurate. She has a very important and stressful job and on top of that is handling some complicated and difficult family issues. She remains cheerful, loving and like a blast of sunshine despite everything she has on her plate. I love her and I'm so grateful to have her in my life.

Day Twenty

I got my first letter today! My old neighbor wrote me a letter in response to mine. She reminisced about what it was like growing up in our neighborhood. It made me smile to read it. She said my letter did her heart good. That made me happy too! Fun is...

Today I wrote to one of my best friends from Rhode Island. I miss her a lot. It was nice to think of her today and send her some love.