Day Eighty Six

I'm feeling very raw and vulnerable right now. I just got off the phone with my sister Laura, who just discovered my blog. She had lunch yesterday with a friend who discovered my blog through facebook and this friend was telling Laura how much she loved the blog. She said she was "cyber-stalking" me and hadn't become an official follower. Hopefully she will follow openly once she finds out how happy it makes me to know that she found my blog and is inspired by it. Knowing that someone is out there reading my words and being inspired by the process of what I am doing inspires me. It will motivate me to continue writing and write more often, which is ultimately what I want to do. So, welcome mystery friend! And thank you!

So, I was talking to Laura, who is definitely spiritual. She gets it, so it was great to share in the enthusiasm of her new discovery. We talked about the process and the ripple effect I want to have in the world. At some point the conversation got over to my mom--and ugh--my biggest fear came true. Laura asked my mom if she got her letter. My mom said that she had gotten it a while ago. She said I was "writing to everyone" and it was nothing special. That hurts to hear, even though I already knew she probably didn't like it that much. Honestly, it wasn't heart stopping, but it was nice and worth acknowledging. But that's my mother for you. Then we started talking about our ( mom and me) relationship in general. It definitely needs some mending although I don't even know where to start. In talking with Laura I said that my mother doesn't understand me. I have a really hard time being myself around her. I am a bright, shiny, loving, talented, successful woman and when I'm around her I feel like I have to shut down because she can't take it. Not only is it too much for her, she even thinks I do the things I do just to show off and get praise. She probably thinks that I am writing letters to everyone so that they can all tell me how wonderful I am. She so doesn't get me at all. And it hurts to be around her. One time, quite a while ago, she was at my house and telling me how she went into this church she had never been in before. She always lights three candles and makes three wishes when she visits a new church. She said that she had wished that my sister Tina would find someone to love. I was so touched. She had met Dave at this point and I was happy for Tina. I said "Awwww... that's sweet. Could you wish something like that for me?" My mother's reply was, "You have enough!" Can you imagine? It's almost as if she doesn't want me to have it all. Like I don't deserve to be successful, have an amazing daughter and be loved by a man. It really hurt to think that my own mother would not want me to have it all. I can't imagine not wanting my own daughter to have it all, be the very best she can be and shine as brightly as she can--full blast all the time if she wants to. It makes me sad that my mother chooses to hold onto resentment and blame. She's so angry with me and I don't even know why. It feels like she's angry with me for being myself. That's not something I want to change. I don't know where to start to make amends. She's not open, she's not growing, she doesn't understand me.

On top of that, the man I was dating for 9 months from January to October called me yesterday. It was good to talk, and disappointing at the same time. I had written him a letter just before Thanksgiving. I wanted him to know how grateful I was to have met him and share all that we did in the time we were together. He liked his card a lot. The reason we broke up is because he is not emotionally available. His emotions are on lock-down. Having said that, he is a truly dependable, loyal, loving man. Things in our relationship were good, stable, we're compatible, etc. There wasn't the connection I'm looking for. I wanted him to take a personal growth class, the PSI Basic, that I highly recommend. He's so analytical that he won't get out of his head for two seconds to imagine that taking the class could open him up and help him understand the kind of relationship I want to have and give him the tools to achieve it. It's frustrating to me. He thinks all of the spiritual work that I do and the personal growth stuff is "abstract". So, I'm sorry to say that my behavior around him has been bad. I shut down and stop shining around him too. He doesn't get me. He doesn't see or respond to my spirit. I don't know why I allow myself to shut down, but I do. So, I have to ask myself why I am attracting these relationships into my life. The whole time we were together, I was talking myself into the relationship. I convinced myself that he would open up and that I would persuade him to take the class. It didn't happen and I made a decision that I wasn't going to settle. That was a huge decision for me. It almost felt like I attracted him into my life so that I could get clear on what kind of relationship I really wanted. I did get to experience someone who was honest, dependable, kind, generous and patient. It's hard to let him go. It's hard to let go of all of that and keep the faith that what I really want is out there somewhere.

So, we talked and it was great to catch up with him. I've been thinking about him a lot and I miss having him in my life. Today I forced him to talk about "us" and the connection I am hoping for. It's all so abstract to him. He really doesn't get it. Why is it so difficult for me to let go? I know he's got the potential, yet I don't even think he wants this in his life. He doesn't know what he's missing. And he doesn't want to take the risk to find out. I know I should just walk away. I guess we didn't have the closure that I want, so I need to go through this process.

So, I have two letters to write today. One for yesterday and one for today. Paige and I were just having a heavy conversation. She hates life right now and she's blaming it all on the fact that I'm forcing her to go to private school, which she claims is too hard. I'm exhausted from arguing with her. I've got to get into the space to write letters...